My uncle is devastated. He is one of the kindest and most caring people I know and the thought that he killed someone, especially a child, is more than he can bear.
Worse yet, even though everyone knows that my uncle could not have avoided the accident, he feels guilty.
We are at a loss. We want to help and support the young boy’s family but we also know that my uncle needs help and support.
The problem is that we are not sure how to go about giving it to him. Perhaps you have some thoughts that you could share.
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As ironic as this may sound, probably the worst thing you can do is to tell your uncle that he should not feel so guilty.
His guilt is not likely the result of anything he did to cause the accident. It is probably drawn more from a sense of caring and compassion. How could anyone as kind as your uncle feel anything but guilt?
You need to tell your uncle that even though you know he is blaming himself for the accident, neither you nor anyone else in the community is critical of what he did.
He may not hear you say this at first but if you persist, he will eventually come to see the truth in what you are saying. Remember, you are not arguing with him. You are simply telling him what you and others know to be true.
Your uncle needs to look after himself. Despite his grief and regret, he needs to eat properly, exercise regularly and sleep as much as he can within the routines that he usually follows.
This may not be easy for him to do. He won’t feel much like eating, and he may be struggling with sleep demons recalling the accident.
Nonetheless, following his routines is important for maintaining good physical health and it is his physical well being, which is the foundation of who he is as a person, that will see him through these moments of torment.
Your uncle would do well to search out the counsel of a mental health therapist trained to help people who have been through a critical incident.
Critical incidents are trauma and trauma can evolve into a complex dynamic if it is not handled properly. It could lead to permanent psychological damage for your uncle. Getting help to resolve it is important.
Finally, you need to give your uncle time to recover. Don’t expect him to quickly bounce back. He will likely slowly work his way through his despair and begin to redirect at least a part of his caring compassion away from memories of the accident and back to the land of the living.
He will do this more readily if he understands that you, his family and his community give him that same caring and compassion that he has given over the years to so many others.
