Q: We have just returned from the hospital where my wife’s uncle was transferred to palliative care. This caught everyone off guard.
Last fall he was out driving truck during harvest and looking exceptionally fit for a man 75 years old. Now the odds are that he will die before we begin spring seeding. I don’t know what to say to him. Neither does my wife.
He looks confused and scared and told his nurses that he is so afraid of dying that he does not want to go to sleep, just in case he doesn’t wake up.
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Do you know of anything that we can say or do for him that will help him deal with this thing. We love this old man and we want to do what is best for him.
A: Be with him as much as possible and listen to him as you have never listened to him before.
What your wife’s uncle is going through is something that he has to figure out for himself. If he has been a spiritual man for much of his life, he might count on his biblical teachings to help him through the transition. If he hasn’t been involved in his church, synagogue or mosque, he will have to find his strength and comfort elsewhere.
Knowing that you are there will help him get the personal strength he needs to do so.
If, on the other hand, you try to advise him or tell him what you think he should be doing, you could confuse him. He is probably confused enough and doesn’t need someone else adding to his problem.
We live in a world where too often people do not know how to listen to each other. His moments of silence can be as powerful as those in which he is talking about whatever he needs to discuss.
If he drifts off into a little sleep while you are holding his hand, he is telling you how safe and secure he feels when you are around. If he is restless and agitated, even though he may not be in pain, he is telling you that he has had a couple of thoughts that he did not like.
At times he may gaze aimlessly through the window, not paying much attention to all that is going on around him, just being quietly with himself. He has that right.
Who knows what he is thinking or feeling, or even about what he is dreaming. He may choose to share those thoughts with you, or he may not. Either way, just being there speaks volumes about your love.
Somewhere along the way your wife’s uncle may well figure out what is going on for him and come to terms with it.
This is the moment when he is more help to you than you are to him. This is the moment in which he is teaching you that peace can be found in dying. He is giving you the strength to deal with your own transition when you too must come to terms with the inevitable. I hope that you are able to appreciate the opportunity he is giving you.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
