Q: I am really confused by all of this stuff. We have been told by both the school counsellor and our son’s Grade 3 teacher that we need to help our son build a stronger sense of self-esteem.
We constantly tell him that he is an extremely intelligent person, and we have always praised him for being a nice guy. Apparently that is not enough. He still is not doing much to help himself. What else can we do?
A: I commend you for maintaining a positive track for your boy. I hope you will continue to do so, but in the future you might consider redirecting your praise.
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At the moment you are praising him for who he is. Consider praising him for what he does. You need to praise him, not for his successful moments, but for the determined effort he makes when he is struggling with challenges he faces in his day to day living.
A few years ago Carol Dweck, a research psychologist from Stanford, gave two groups of children relatively easy puzzles to solve.
After one of the groups had finished solving the puzzles, she said to each of the children in that group that he or she must have been really intelligent to have solved the puzzles so easily.
After the second group had finished solving the puzzles, she praised them for working so hard and so diligently at the task they faced when dealing with the puzzles.
Dweck then gave the students two other puzzles to solve. One of them was easier than the first puzzle. The other was considerably more difficult. She asked all of the kids which of the new puzzles they would like to solve. Those children who had been praised for being intelligent chose the easier puzzle.
Apparently they loved being praised for being intelligent and did not want to do anything that would suggest they were anything but bright. They certainly did not want to fail, which they might have done had they worked on the more difficult puzzle.
The other children, those who were praised for their diligent effort, more often than not chose the more difficult puzzle.
They were determined to show the researcher that she was right, that they would work as long and as hard as they could on the more difficult puzzle to show her that she had been correct. They were committed to making an effort, even if the results were not always rewarding.
Let’s apply this to your son. He probably loves it when you tell him and everyone else that he is intelligent. He may love it so much that he is not willing to do anything to suggest that he is not smart.
He certainly does not want to fail at anything, and even at eight or nine years old, he can use the excuse that he did not try if he does nothing to prepare for a test or an assignment in which he scored a low mark.
Perhaps you might get better results if you turned this around, forgot about whether he is intelligent and just started praising him for doing all of the things he needs to do to be successful in school.
Praise him for getting to school on time, paying attention to his teacher, getting his homework done before supper and asking for help when he is puzzled by some of his assignments.
The more that you praise him for what he has done, the better the odds that he will continue to do it.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
