Q: A few weeks ago, my oldest son signed on to see a counsellor through his employment assistance program. My son has struggled for survival ever since his father’s death 16 years ago. He was six years old when his dad died, too young to be able to make any sense out of it and too vulnerable not to feel deeply about his loss.
He still needs to work some things out. My son likes the counsellor and attends regularly, but the counselling itself does not seem to be helping him much. He is still far too impulsive and self-destructive. I would like this counselling to help my son and I would like to do what I can to support it. What do you suggest that I do?
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A: The magic of counselling is listening. For years, counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists have been saying that each of us has a story to tell. The problem is that story might be hidden in some dark recess of the mind and only comes to light with considerable effort.
The fact your son is willing to continue with his counselling even though neither he nor you have seen much progress tells me that he is going to a good counsellor who is willing to be patient and listen to him.
The magic of listening does not immediately transcend into new and more healthy behaviour. It takes time. Along the way, your son will begin to understand that it might be possible for him to change, not be so impulsive and become less self-destructive. These are new ideas for him. He needs to be more comfortable with the fact he can control himself before he will start to assume that responsibility.
Your part is to be as honest with him as you can be. When he asks you to tell him more about his dad’s death, take the time to make sure he has the facts. At six years old, he probably did not understand as clearly what was going on as he will now if you give him the information he needs.
You also need to let him know how proud you are that he has managed to survive these difficulties in his life. The more he understands how much you admire him, the more likely he is to embrace the changes he is talking about in his counselling.
