Q: I do not suppose that my 16-year-old daughter is much different than other girls her age, but I have to admit that I am struggling with her.
She seems to think that she knows it all. She is often rude to her father and me, she hates the curfews we set for her and she thinks that a weekend without at least one party is a waste of time.
I am not sure that I can last another year of this until she graduates from high school next spring. I would love to have that sweet and innocent girl back who used to be our daughter just a few months ago. Do you have any thoughts to help her dad and me?
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A: I am assuming your daughter did not cause out-of-the-ordinary problems until just recently.
But if she has been struggling for a number of years, I would suggest that you contact your nearest family counsellor as soon as you can.
Let’s look at your history as parents. It is probably not much different than anyone else’s.
When your daughter was born you and her father were much like the general managers of a ball team. You were responsible for everything, including deciding for her what was in her best interests. She needed you to be in charge.
As your daughter got older she started to get around, sometimes disappearing from sight. She started school, played with her friends, and spent the occasional night sleeping at grandma’s house.
You could not control everything she did. She had to be a little responsible for herself. You had been demoted.
You were no longer her general manager; now you were her coach. You told her how she should behave when she was elsewhere and advised her on the do’s and don’ts of everyday responsibilities.
Now your daughter is into late adolescence. Of course she does not know everything about life, but sometimes she thinks she does.
Most likely, she would like to know more than she does, and most certainly she does not want to make those horrendous mistakes she thinks you made in life. You are being demoted again.
Now you are her professional consultant. She might turn to you for advice, but she is still determined to make decisions for herself. If she thinks that you are trying to control her, or if she believes that you are interfering with her rights to decide for herself, she may defy you.
The good consultant listens closely to her client, just as you need to listen as effectively as you can to your daughter.
The good consultant also helps her client understand the likely consequences of decisions that may be made. And, of course, the good consultant does not rescue her client when she makes what are clearly bad decisions.
Your daughter needs to accept responsibilities for her decisions, even if the consequences are uncomfortable.
You have a chance to build a terrific relationship with your daughter. But you have to see past her defiance, which is really just an attempt on your daughter’s part to make sure that you know you have been demoted.
Your despair over some of her decisions should be no greater than the despair you had for yourself when you were her age and you too, made questionable decisions.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
