Q:Our son-in-law has a terminal illness. At the moment he is doing fine. He is home with his family and thinking about returning for a few hours of work every now and then. But his tumour is likely to grow back and will one day become inoperable. We would like to help our son-in-law as much as we can but we are not sure what to do. What do you think?
A:I know you will support and encourage your son-in-law and his family as much as you can. I will share with you what other people who have had terminal illnesses have told me. Perhaps that will help.
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The biggest and most frequent complaint I hear from people who suspect that they will soon die is that their families and friends focus too much on the illness and not enough on the joys of living.
People who are terminally ill have doctors and nurses and various therapists to deal with their illnesses.
The list of those to help them celebrate life is not as impressive and often needs to gather more strength.
Try putting yourself on your son-in-law’s list of people he can enjoy.
None of us can know for certain when we might die. But each of us knows we can enjoy each and every morning.
You need to listen carefully to your son-in-law and appreciate with him those little moments in his life that bring sparkles to his eyes.
We live in a world that invests heavily in the future. Some people build massive farms to pass on to future generations. Others look forward to their children graduating from high school. Some plan extensively for their retirements.
Having personal goals is great, but they need to be reconsidered when the goals become obsessions and take the joy out of the daily activities that come with preparing meals, keeping the house and yard in order and chatting with important people in their lives.
Perhaps these goals need to be put into the closet for a while, or at least until connections are made with the joys of daily living.
This is what your son-in-law is forcing you to do. Because his illness is likely to be terminal, he cannot waste a lot of time daydreaming about the future.
He is more likely to fare better when he enjoys the moment.
You are more likely to help him when you follow his directive and enjoy the moment with him. Enjoying the moment could be as beneficial for you as it is for him.
Just about all of the world’s spiritual traditions encourage their followers to help each other. Helping your son-in-law helps you, and helping you gives your son-in-law much needed self worth at a time in his life when he is confronting a difficult challenge.
Everybody benefits, and the mutual support may make it a little easier for both of you to deal with the fear and sadness should your son-in-law die prematurely.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
