One popular song from South Pacific says “I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair.” It reflects a historical bias that people, especially women, have to be in an active partnership to be happy and fulfilled. Yet I know of many people, men and woman alike, who have chosen to live as singles and are satisfied with their choice.
British pyschologist and author Susan Quilliam has challenged that idea of needing to have a partner in an article about singleness, “Surviving no-man’s land,” on the internet.
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Quilliam points out that being single is not a bad thing. You don’t have to be sad and lonely. Having personal space is good, even when seeing someone seriously. You need to be yourself and not be absorbed by the other person.
People who choose the single lifestyle need to have it respected. The historical negative attitude toward spinsters is abusive. It is fine and wonderful when love occurs and people choose to be in long-term relationships. It is equally OK for people to choose to have friendships rather than living together in a relationship.
Many problems in life occur when people feel they need to put all their eggs in one basket. No man, however wonderful, can meet another person’s needs all the time, forever, said Quilliam.
A man is a person as well and has interests and needs of his own, which may conflict with yours. His job, hobby or studies may differ from yours. Because of this, we each have to take care of ourselves at times.
No matter how much we love or are committed to someone, every relationship will hit bumps and run into problems. So whether we like it or not, we are going to feel occasionally left out, undervalued, insecure or not fully in control of ourselves.
The key is to take a time-out, think about what you can do about yourself, talk to a trusted friend and calm down. Then when the crisis has passed, talk positively with each other about your friendship, rather than going back over all the problems again. Yet if you look at teenagers, they often feel a desperate need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Girls often end up rushing to the first guy that shows them any attention. Those relationships are doomed.
You don’t fall into a relationship. You develop one over time, and the best relationships are based on friendship, trust, acceptance and honesty and truth. Sex is not a strong base on which to build a good relationship at first. It only leads into entanglement and overinvolvement, risk of pregnancy and most likely, power and abuse.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
