Q: I would like to help my daughter-in-law but I am not too sure how. She is having a rough time with her two and a half-year-old. The problem is that he is starting to have some temper tantrums. He had a couple in the grocery store and apparently he lost it in church last Sunday. My daughter-in-law is both embarrassed and ashamed. She is convinced that if she were a better parent her little boy would not have these horrible tantrums. What can I tell her?
A: Most kids between the ages of two and four have temper tantrums and they do not reflect on the ability of the parent or the psychological well being of the child.
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Life is frustrating for small children. At times they cannot tell you what they want, other times they cannot move fast enough to get to where they want to be. Sometimes they have no idea of what is wrong at the moment.
Temper tantrums are moments of emotion. The trick is to handle them appropriately.
Your daughter-in-law’s first task is to settle herself down. She is of no value to her son when she is upset. Her best bet is to plan activities and outings better. If she and her son have to go to the store, they could try to do so when he is rested and in a decent mood. She should have a snack for him and try to make shopping as much fun as she can.
The more that your daughter-in-law is calm herself, the better she will deal with the inevitable temper tantrum.
It is best not give in to a temper tantrum, even if she was planning to buy whatever it is that her son is screaming for. She can always get it at another time when her son is not quite so upset.
The problem with giving in to a temper tantrum is that it will encourage the child to keep repeating the behaviour to get whatever it wants.
The rule of thumb for dealing with temper tantrums is to remove the child from the immediate environment in which he or she is acting out.
If the child is acting out at home and in the kitchen, a time out in the bedroom is appropriate. In public places, when possible, the child should be taken outside or to the car as quickly as possible.
The goal is to reduce the stimulation that is going on and allow time for him to settle down. The more that your daughter-in-law is able to do that, the greater are the chances she can again enjoy her time in the grocery store or at an outing.
