Q: A parent called with some major concerns about what is happening to her 13-year-old son in his school. He comes home, frequently in tears, and is upset that his teacher yells and berates him in front of his classmates. The parent is concerned and wants to know what she can do about it.
A: I could never begin a discussion on schools without first reminding myself that most teachers are doing an amazing job. Despite amalgamations, most schools on the Prairies are still smaller than schools elsewhere, have fewer resources to support their teachers, and are just fortunate that their teachers are as dedicated as they are.
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Nonetheless, a few schools have one or two teachers who get impatient with some of their students, and who need to be reminded that the child is still a child.
You should meet with your son’s teacher, not just to defend and protect him, but to better appreciate what is going on in the classroom. Often as not, the most difficult teacher is also the most dedicated one, and the frustration he shows to his students is a reflection of the passion he feels about his responsibilities.
That is an explanation, not an excuse, and this mother has every right to expect the teacher to treat her son with dignity. The parent and teacher need to talk and hopefully learn to work together as a team to help the boy in question.
This boy’s parents have an opportunity to use his relationship with the teacher to develop the skill to deal with difficult people elsewhere in his life. The boy needs to learn how to calm himself when his teacher is berating him. The more he can breathe deeply and keep calm, the less likely he is going to be upset.
This is not an easy skill to learn. It takes patience and considerable support from Mom and Dad, but it will be a lifelong skill to deal with other difficult situations.
The parent helps the child by getting him to recognize when his pulse rate is going up and, through breathing exercises, time-outs and mental distractions, learn how to lower it. Research tells us that we do better with conflict when our pulse rates are lower. Of course, to help the boy develop these strategies, the parent needs to make sure that she has them for herself. Perhaps the two of them, Mom and her son, can learn this together.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
