Q: We have a son and daughter-in-law who have an 18-month-old daughter and are expecting their second child in September. We never get to spend any time with our granddaughter, other than when we visit them or when I invite them to our place.
They never come unless I invite them and we try to visit them about once a month also. I have asked why I cannot babysit our granddaughter sometimes.
My daughter-in-law will take her to the day care in town and leave her with friends and her family.
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The other day, I was told, “Why can’t you guys just be happy to see her when you see us.” My daughter-in-law said she never spent time with her grandparents until she was five years old and that she wanted to raise her own kids.
We are very hurt by her attitude. Please give us some suggestions on what to do about this situation.
A: You are operating on the principle that relationships within the family, including those with grand-parents, are very important to the growth and development of the child.
You likely know from your experiences of raising children that they need more than parents if they are to succeed. They need support from their extended families and opportunities in their communities.
Your daughter-in-law is a new mom and new moms tend to try to make the world perfect for their children. As your daughter-in-law becomes more comfortable with those responsibilities, she may relax and welcome you into your granddaughter’s life.
Until that happens, you might want to talk to both your son and daughter-in-law and clarify their expectations for grandparenting.
The question all of you can explore is what you do when you are with them.
By spending time with you, your grandchildren have an opportunity to develop significant relationships with the adult world. They have a chance to get praise and support from you that sometimes their parents forget to give them. They also have a chance to learn a little bit about their family heritage. They have the opportunity to receive unconditional love.
You are a gold mine for your grandchildren. It is just a matter of helping their parents understand this.
In some ways, what your daughter-in-law is offering you is a blessing. With today’s divorce and separation rates being so high, and with so many single parent families struggling to build homes for their children, many grandparents are called to assume primary responsibilities for child care.
Your daughter-in-law is not asking for this but asking you to be grandparents. She is simply not clear what being a grandparent really means to her children.
Talking about that with her may help her better appreciate what you have to offer to her children and may help all of you develop more satisfactory extended family relationships.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
