Q: Every year I take a couple of days off before Christmas and head into the city to buy presents for everyone. Of course, the big present is the one I buy for my wife.
But things are a little tough this year. I will not be able to spend as much on presents as I usually do. Some may have to go without presents, and I feel just awful about that. Maybe you could talk about the whole Christmas present thing and suggest some options for me.
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A: For many people, Christmas presents are more than just gifts under the Christmas tree. They are metaphors, or another way of saying “I love you” to those who are special in their lives.
The presents have meant sacrifices of time and money and are under their Christmas trees because someone took the time to listen and pick out presents that mean something to those who are receiving them.
Obviously, when times are tough, you need to find other ways of saying I love you. I suspect that your wife would be just as thrilled to have a note from you letting her know that she is someone special.
If she has not yet realized you cannot afford to celebrate her at Christmas this year to the extent to which you want, talk to her before Christmas day so that she is not expecting something you cannot afford.
My guess is that the problem is not with your wife or anyone else for whom you buy presents, as much as it is with you.
When you are not able to meet or match your usual generosity, you might become more than just disappointed. You could fall into that dreaded pit of despair, thinking that you are less than honourable. You may even begin to dislike yourself.
Clearly you do not want that to happen. To counteract it, sit down with a paper and pencil and remind yourself of the other characteristics that represent your value as a person.
We live in a world that too often measures personal worth. The way in which the markets have crumbled over this past year has taught us that the value of our monetary scores are too vulnerable to forces beyond our control to put much faith in them.
The message is clear. You cannot judge your worth by your bank account or the presents you are able to buy.
The more you genuinely accept and appreciate your more salient personal characteristics, the more you have to offer your wife as a person.
In a way, it is a present to both of you. You feel better about yourself as a person, and she gets to enjoy even more of you than she did when you were fretting about expensive presents.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
