Q: I have two older teenagers, a boy and a girl, who are interested in dating. I have seen many people get into unhealthy relationships. I don’t want to try to control my young adults’ lives, but fear for them getting into abusive or controlling relationships. What can I do?
A: Talk to them about your anxieties. Ask them if they are willing to look at the following series of questions and answer them honestly.
Let them know that ending any relationship, even a casual one, takes effort. The longer people go out together, and the closer they become emotionally or physically, the more difficult it is to look objectively at it. Love is an important emotion, but if the loving feelings aren’t expressed by both parties in respectful ways, trouble is likely brewing.
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Here are some questions warning of danger ahead, adapted from the Easy Does It Dating Guide For People In Recovery by Mary Faulkner. This book focuses on people with addictions who often bounce from one unhealthy relationship to another. The same principles can be used by older teens and young adults to recognize dangers in their relationships.
- Am I able to hold the line on myself and my actions, hearing and heeding my own no?
- Is the other person respecting my no?
- Is there explosive behaviour from either of us, or do either of us use the silent treatment as a form of control?
- Am I blaming myself or feeling blamed when things don’t go right for my partner?
- Do we both expect each other to be perfect, and get upset when he or she isn’t?
- Am I overly critical of my partner, or feeling criticized when I share my opinions?
- Am I feeling crazy at times? Do I doubt my own perceptions of things?
- Are there spoken or implied threats or ultimatums such as “I won’t let you break up,” I’ll leave if” or “I’ll tell if you don’t.”
- Do I feel cut off from my friends or cut myself off due to my partner’s pressure or attempts to control my life?
- When I talk to my partner, do I find myself repeating requests, but my partner never does anything about them?
If you can’t share your responses with your partner, the relationship is not heading in a healthy direction.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
