Q: Am I unlucky or do other parents of 12-year-old girls have problems with their daughters. I cannot believe what is happening. Overnight, our daughter changed from a sweet and innocent fun kid to a disobedient and defiant problem around the house. I was preparing myself for tough times when our girl became a teenager but I did not think that the defiance would come when she is as young as she is. I’d love whatever advice you can give to help us deal with her better.
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A: Your daughter is in pre-adolescence, a troubling time for some families. Some kids make their way through this period without leaving scars on their families. Others struggle.
Children in pre-adolescence are experiencing more change than they will at any other time in their lives. They tend to be in and out of growing spurts, which leave them lanky and unco-ordinated. Their emotions are developing more quickly than their abilities to engage in rational thought and reasoning, their friends impose more demands on them and their parents and teachers expect them to be more independent and responsible.
Some kids can feel overwhelmed. Some get moody or self absorbed and try to withdraw into themselves. Others, such as your daughter, decide that the world has been unfair to them and defiantly challenge various demands parents toss in their directions.
It results in tricky times for parents. The rules in the house are going to change as children get older, but the kids still need structure and routine. You need to negotiate reasonable bedtimes, study times and curfews with your daughter.
You must make every effort to stick with the times agreed upon. Your job is to validate the curfew, not to discuss it as they are going out the door with friends. The more that you argue with her, the more likely it is that you will lose and both of you will end up feeling uncomfortable with each other.
The counterbalances to the structure and routine are those moments you spend caring for and loving your daughter. Kids need to believe that they are loved and respected. Don’t let your daughter’s defiance fool you, and don’t get discouraged when she backs off at times when you are reaching out to her.
Be persistent but not overwhelming and she will learn to treasure the time you spend trying to listen to her. As an adult, she may thank you for the patience and support you gave her during those tough times.
