Q: About the only thing on which my wife and I can agree is that our marriage is on the rocks and we should get a divorce. We already have our lawyers. We have decided not to tell the children about our divorce until we have worked out the details. The problem is that we live in a small town and our business is everyone else’s business. Gossip is rampant. We would like to shield our children from caustic comments about our marriage, but we do not know how. Do you have any suggestions?
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A: Gossip is the least of your problems. Your children will learn to ignore it and as each of you pick up support from those not caught in the rumour mill, you will start to distinguish your true friends from the others. A more serious problem is that after the divorce, you and your wife will live in the same community. It can be uncomfortable. Often, one chooses to leave the community.
When children are involved, leaving is less straightforward. Mom and Dad can get into a tug of war with each one trying to keep the kids with them and often bowing to unscrupulous measures to do so. Perhaps you can avoid these problems by preparing for the difficult discussions ahead.
The hardest part for the children is a custody battle. Angry couples forget that the derogatory remarks they make about each other are attacks on their children’s mothers and fathers.
Most children do not want to join one parent to hate the other. They prefer to love and be loved by both parents. That is hard to do in a custody battle and if you can resolve the child care issues, everyone will benefit.
Although parents separate, the issue of raising the children continues as a family and major decisions affecting their health and well-being should include both parents.
Decisions about which parent leaves the community and whether the children stay or go are hard, but must involve both parents. Mediators and family therapists can help.
Children often feel closer to one parent than the other and sometimes switch back and forth between homes. This can be difficult.
They are expected to love both parents equally, but they often prefer to be with only one of their parents. It is important that the other parent not take it personally or overreact.
It is not the marital status of the home that makes the difference, but love, commitment and determination by parents to be sensible while children adjust to a new family circumstance.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
