Q: My daughter’s husband is constantly berating their two children. I am worried about this and I have spoken to my daughter about it, but she says that she is just thankful that he does not hit the kids. All he does is yell and criticize them, she says. I think this is a problem, but I would appreciate your thoughts.
A: You are absolutely right.
You need to be concerned.
Although emotional abuse is sometimes hard to define, it is one of the most harmful and cruel forms of abuse.
Read Also
Stock dogs show off herding skills at Ag in Motion
Stock dogs draw a crowd at Ag in Motion. Border collies and other herding breeds are well known for the work they do on the farm.
Emotional abuse is defined as the systematic tearing down of another human being. As you know, children thrive in homes where they are flooded with praise, respect and admiration.
They struggle and have been known to die when they are raised in homes where they are ignored or berated. Children who are emotionally abused either completely withdraw, sometimes into infantile behaviour, or strike back at figures of authority.
Unfortunately, the negative self-concepts abused children develop carry into adulthood and many adults, struggling in their marriages or their careers, and sometimes becoming abusive themselves, are the victims of early childhood emotional abuse.
Sometimes emotional abuse is found in the outright rejection of children. Or the parents simply ignore their children, not responding to their need for comfort.
Some parents terrorize their kids, such as your son-in-law appears to be doing to your grandchildren. Parents have been known to isolate their children, keeping them locked up in their homes and not encouraging them to mingle with other children.
There are parents who corrupt their children, encouraging them to steal or be cruel to their friends.
A number of children who have been emotionally abused end up in therapy, but their success rate in treatment is not as great as one might hope. One or two hours a week of counselling is not sufficient to counteract the continuing degradation they encounter when they get back home.
The most effective help for children is when the whole family is involved in their treatment, but, often as not, those who emotionally abuse their children the most are also the most reluctant to get involved in family therapy.
Your daughter needs to quit kidding herself. She needs to sit down and admit that both she and her children have a problem. She can begin to resolve the problem by getting herself and her husband into therapy with her children.
Failing that, she has to look at isolating the children from her husband, either moving out of the home or setting up rigid boundaries protecting the children from the constant and negative exposure they are getting from him.
These are tough decisions for your daughter to make. I expect that she needs as much support as she can get from you and her community. But if she does not do something quickly she may be further damaging her children and passing the abuse from one generation to another.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
