Q: I was in a difficult marriage for years. When my husband drank too much, which he did frequently, he would be emotionally and verbally abusive to me and rude to our children.
Fortunately my parents have been able to help me and the kids move out and set up our own house. I have a good job, a nice home and a chance now to spend some quality time with my children.
My husband does not say much whenever we happen to meet, but I know that he is angry with me. I can understand that.
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What I do not understand is the guilt that I feel every time I see him. I did nothing wrong. I did not cheat on him. I never lied to him and I tried for many years to make our marriage work.
So why do I feel guilty so much of the time?
A: It is fairly common for the person who has chosen to leave the relationship to feel guilty, just as it is common for the person who has been left to feel angry.
I am not sure why that is, but why a person feels guilty does not matter. What matters is how the person deals with it.
Probably the worst thing you could do is let your guilt drive you into some kind of reconciliation with your husband.
Abuse tends to escalate. What is emotional abuse today becomes verbal abuse tomorrow and could well turn into physical and sexual abuse the day after that.
You have already struggled with emotional and verbal abuse. You do not want to tempt fate with the chance that physical abuse is waiting for you.
Different people deal with guilt in different ways. Some people talk to close family members or trusted neighbours, some people sign up for professional counselling, some meditate, some pray and some go jogging once a day.
Whichever way you choose to deal with your guilt, remember that the goal is to overwhelm the guilt with a positive self-concept.
Guilt has a masterful way of decimating any sense of self-worth that you have managed to rescue from your difficult marriage. Try not to let that happen.
You cannot let your guilt destroy you, and neither can you let your children’s guilt play havoc with their self-concepts.
Despite being innocent victims, your children may find themselves in the same emotional trap in which you have found yourself. Your children need to learn to deal with their guilt effectively and efficiently. But guilt does not need to last forever. The more you and the children deal with it now and build on your self-worth, the greater your opportunities for healthy and supportive intimate relationships in the future.
