Q: A group of us women recently turned a small and enjoyable coffee time into a degrading gossip session about one of my neighbours. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I was right in there with everyone else.
What is disturbing to me is that the neighbour is otherwise a good friend of mine. I have no idea how I got caught up in this thing and I am feeling terrible about it. Those of us who live in small communities know how devastating gossip can be.
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I don’t want to do this again. I have talked to my neighbour and apologized to her, and we are still on good terms with each other. But it cannot stop there. What can I do to keep myself out of those gossip lines?
A: You have already started. Taking responsibility for your part in the gossip session and apologizing to your neighbour was tremendously courageous. I do not know many people who would be that honourable.
Thankfully, she was forgiving, and that says something commendable about her as well.
Obviously, you know the harm to personal relationships that can sprout out of community gossip.
However, like you, people often get caught up in gossip sessions.
The lure of gossip comes to us from two directions.
The first is simple: “we want to belong.” People, like a herd of cattle grazing in the fields, are social creatures. We do not only want to belong to groups in our communities; we need to belong.
Survival is difficult without the support and nurturing care of our friends and families. People gossip to belong to groups and friends in the community. The irony is that the most likely way to lose contact with others is to be forefront in the gossip sessions.
Those who are gossiping about other people could just as easily be talking about you, and when they do they are isolating you from the community.
Gossip victims are generally left to their own resources, lacking support from others in the community.
The other drive toward gossip is from personal dissatisfaction. Chances are that you are gossiping when something in your life needs fixing. The most common drive to gossip comes from a few doubts about your own self worth.
So strong is this connection that you could almost use it as a barometer for yourself. The next time you are tempted to gossip, find yourself a clean bathroom mirror and check in with that person looking back at you. Chances are that you will see someone who needs to be encouraged.
It is a signal that you need to find more positive supports in your life to improve your self-image.
Group pressure is of course strong and persuasive. When your coffee sessions start to degrade other people, excuse yourself and find that bathroom mirror.
Then commend the person looking back at you for the integrity you have just demonstrated by not participating in the degradation of friends and neighbours.
