Q: For the past few weeks, our dad has been in the hospital, first for surgery and then for rehabilitation. His right foot was amputated.
Mom got a call from the home care nurse recently to plan for Dad’s discharge. We do not think that Dad should go home.
He has always been too demanding on our mom and is likely to be even more of a burden for her now. We want him to go into a nursing home.
Of course, Mom would never tell him so but she has told us privately that a nursing home would be better for him. The problem is that he refuses to go and his doctor refuses to declare him to be incompetent so that we could make the decision for him. What can we do?
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A: You and your siblings are trying to help your mom and dad but in doing so you may take away a fundamental right that is cherished – the right to decide for oneself.
You do not have either the legal or the moral authority to decide where your father goes once he leaves the hospital. That is a decision your parents will have to make.
The best you can do is help your parents communicate more directly with each other.
I am guessing Mom is a pleaser. She wants everyone to be happy. She is trying to please your dad by agreeing to bring him home and it may well be that she is trying to please you by agreeing to see him go to a nursing home. She may be so busy pleasing that she is not sure what she wants for herself.
Most home care programs have a counselling service to help people communicate. Your job is to encourage your parents to use that service. If the counsellor is able to get your mom and dad to understand and talk to each other, she may be able to help them find a compromise between home and nursing home that is acceptable to both of them.
You and your siblings have to respect whatever your parents decide to do, even if you disagree with it. Aging has a tendency to bring on a loss of self-confidence, a huge loss for those who are getting older.
The more you demonstrate respect for your parents, by accepting and supporting their decisions, the more likely it is that you will enjoy those precious final few years you have with them.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
