Q: I think that I can start this letter by saying that it was not supposed to be this way. We have had a couple of tough years here on the farm. Both of my wife’s parents have had major health problems, our crops have not been as great as they could have been and with all the financial pressures challenging us, my wife and I have not been getting along as well as we do usually.
I guess I was hoping that the baby would fix all of that. But she didn’t.
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My wife was really excited when our first-born came. You could just see it in her. She was bubbling all over the place. But not so this time. She does what she has to do to look after the baby. She feeds her and cleans her and rocks her but I can tell by looking at my wife that she is not into it.
She spends whatever time she can alone in her room, just sitting there, sometimes crying, other times gazing off into the distance. Whenever the neighbours come over to see our new baby my wife puts on a smile but I know her well enough to know that her smile is a mask. She is not feeling the joy you might expect from a new mom.
I try to do what I can around the house to make this whole thing workable but I would be kidding myself if I thought that it was making a difference to my wife’s moods. It isn’t. I would like to know what to do.
A: Thank you for your letter. These are clearly tough times for your family. I would like to suggest that you and your wife visit your family physician. From the information you have shared with me, I think that the two of you need to talk to your doctor about whether or not your wife is struggling with postpartum depression.
Postpartum depression is a condition that often is noticeable in women shortly after or sometimes just before the birth of a child. In fact, it is relatively common. In this country somewhere around 13 percent of new moms will struggle with it.
As with most depressions, postpartum is best resolved in a medical setting. The good news is that treatment for postpartum depression is not difficult. Your family doctor can prescribe the appropriate medication while referring both her and you for a few sessions with a mental health counsellor.
You can help by doing what you can to get your wife’s family more involved with her parents’ health problems to to reduce her stress. At the same time, continue working to relieve the farm’s financial burdens.
The real problem with postpartum depression is the cloud of denial that seems to bury it in the archives of family histories. The birth of a child is supposed to be a joyous and momentous occasion. Everybody is supposed to be happy and excited and when Mom is not happy or excited, the presumption, at least on her part, is seen as something that is wrong with her. She likely assumes that she is not a complete person, and this is your biggest challenge.
You need to help your wife understand that what she is going through is relatively common and once she admits to her depression she can be helped to overcome it. Assure her that you and both her children love her to pieces.
