Q: My seven-year-old son, who is a bit shy, walks with a limp. He is a target for other children on the playground who want to bully someone. We can handle it. We go to the school to make sure the administration is properly protecting him, we check into community events to make sure that he is safe and we have phoned parents whose children have been abusive.The problem is, we do not know what to say to him when he comes home after having another incident on the playground. He looks really discouraged. Do you have any suggestions?
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A: To help your son, say as little as possible. He needs neither your advice nor your encouragement, but he needs to know you are listening and that you understand what he is feeling.
There is a book called Rainbow Rhino written specifically for children who have been singled out by other children because they are different. What I like about the book is that it identifies the struggle that victims of abuse have. Reading it with your son will likely help him know that not only do you understand how difficult things are at times for him, but that he is not alone.
Unfortunately the book does not end with the same credibility with which it begins. Rhino, the rhinoceros, is different because he has a bigger tusk and is picked on by others. One day his tusk is used to save the colours of the rainbow and everyone after that loves him. Of course the author is trying to say that all of us, despite our differences, can be valuable to the well being of others.
The second step is helping your son discover the value of his own personhood. The more he learns to appreciate himself, the better he can handle teasing.
The final step falls under the category of social skills. Studies show that children who have become socially successful are those who sit back when they are in a new group and try to understand what is going on. Then they begin to make their way into the crowd and are able to successfully get involved.
You said that your son is shy. My guess is that he is also self-conscious. When he is with other children he spends more time worrying what the other kids think about him than he does watching and studying how they relate to each other. If you can help him break that habit he will be able to develop the social skills he needs to make friends. That is the antidote to bullying – establishing one’s own social network.
All of this takes time and patience.
Listen to your son, teach him the art of social engagement and to value himself. Then he will not, as 40 percent of those who have been bullied do, turn into a bully himself.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
