Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I’ve been in a satisfying common-law relationship for almost 20 years. We raised four children, some my step-children and some our own, in a loving, stable environment. Most of the kids are on their own, but they remain a source of joy and pride to me.
When my son was born 13 years ago, my father decided my conduct wasn’t consistent with his Catholic beliefs, and withdrew his love from me. He hasn’t spoken to me or seen me since.
At first, I was devastated and at a loss to understand. I continued to send him gifts and cards at Christmas, birthdays and other special occasions, but he ignored them, leaving them unopened until my mother removed them. This placed a great hardship on all our children. My mother’s visits to see her grandson were always at her own expense and without my father.
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Sense of loss
I went through periods of grief, loss, guilt, anger and finally acceptance of his decision. I no longer send him reminders of myself. I’ve successfully detached myself from him emotionally, but can’t help feeling a deep sense of regret. I’ve lost a parent. My son lost a grandfather. Distance made it easier to accept.
But any trigger sends me right back to square one. It might be a TV drama about father-son or father-daughter alienation, or one of my girlfriends describing an amusing family incident. I thought I’d dealt with this issue, but obviously I haven’t. My father shows no inclination to forgive or forget. Since he has five other daughters who dote on him, I suppose it hasn’t been as hard on him as it has on me. My sisters feel this has gone on far too long. But my mother reminds me that it’s not up to me to change the situation. She places the blame on my father.
Am I right to just forget and move on with my life? And will I carry this emotional baggage with me forever?
A:You’re absolutely right to take care of yourself and your son. You’ve had a hard road to follow the past 13 years. You’ve struggled through those many processes of grieving and they hurt each step of the way.
Your mother is right. You can’t change him. You can only change yourself. You can choose to feel better about a situation you’re not responsible for. Responsibility for the situation and for any possible family healing rests with your father.
Unfortunately, he’s caught up in a personal judgmental, punishing, non-forgiving vision of Christianity and Catholicism, which would not be supported by a priest. His beliefs reflect a paternalistic, controlling view of religion and Christianity. It’s quite possible he refuses to reach out to you because of his own fear of having to let go of his controlling view of God and opening himself up to the loving, forgiving and caring image of God.
I pity your father. He’s thrown away love from a daughter, grandson and to some degree from his wife.
We never get over grief completely so there will always be some emotional baggage. But we can work at making our luggage much lighter so that when it does land in our lap from time to time, it isn’t as heavy to carry.
