Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I have marriage problems. My husband could use some help, but he always says I’m the one who needs help. He won’t listen to me. He doesn’t think he has to. But I certainly have to listen to him! Please don’t publish this in a form he’ll recognize. He’d just hold it against me. Our marriage lacks communication, co-operation and consideration. We raised a number of children. Two are married with children. The others aren’t married yet. I think they all know something is wrong in our marriage, but they seem reluctant to say anything.
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A: What many spouses see as “a marriage problem” is really an abuse problem. And I believe this may be the case for you. Many people, especially men, think that spouse abuse only occurs if a man beats his wife, physically. Of course, that’s abuse. It’s also a crime.
Physical abuse happens much more than it should. Thankfully, in the past few years, both society and the law have responded more quickly and forcefully when physical abuse happens. Not only are men brought to court to face charges, but more abusive men are also sent into treatment and education programs. Such programs only started in Saskatchewan nine years ago. And there are only five locations in the province where such programs are provided on a rather continuous basis: Regina, Saskatoon, Weyburn, Yorkton and Prince Albert.
But many other kinds of abuse take place in marriage, mainly verbal and emotional abuse. The scars that these types of abuse leave are usually inside and never seen. And unless a man threatens, harasses or stalks a woman, he never ends up in court.
Swearing, ignoring, manipulating, distorting what you’ve said, exploding verbally at any time, putting you down, playing emotional head games, etc. are just a few examples of emotional and verbal abuse. I’m sure many, many women and also some men could write a novel about the pain of emotional and verbal abuse they’ve experienced in life.
You are completely helpless at being able to change your husband. Only he can do that and of course only if he wants to. But you can change how you react to the way he treats you. You can take steps to protect yourself emotionally when he refuses to communicate, is unco-operative or is inconsiderate. You don’t need to be upset if he won’t talk. Tell him what you want to say and then leave him alone. Then, find a friend or family member you can trust, or a priest or pastor to talk with.
If your husband doesn’t co-operate with you in decision-making, make your own decisions. If he’s inconsiderate or rude, walk away from him and ignore his behavior.
For my information packages, contact: Sunrise Specialty Books, 2727 – 2nd Ave. West, Prince Albert, Sask., S6V 5E5: Abuse-1 (16 pages) $5, Abuse-2 (14 pages) $5, Communication (11 pages) $4, or Marriage (16 pages) $5.
