Q: I retired from a job where early retirement is the standard due to stress and burnout. It was also a job where, as a man, I could not show my emotional pain or any weakness. I was placed on Valium at one point, and it became addictive and an escape from dealing with life.
My doctors had to take me off it in stages. I did so because my adult son was saying that he wanted his “real dad” back. I realize I was dependent on my wife for emotional support during those years, and may not have given much back. She also at times had almost full responsibility for our children.
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My wife doesn’t enjoy sex any more and feels resentful when I ask for intimacy. I think I have been a good husband over the years.We tried going to joint counselling. She wouldn’t share. She is now seeing a counsellor on her own, but does not want to discuss the issue with me.
A: Anger that is held back, long periods of stress, hormonal changes accompanying menopause or a lack of purpose when the kids leave home can all affect your wife’s interest in sex.
Some of your behaviour may have been angering her and she didn’t feel comfortable sharing that with you. Our attitude, expressions or voice tone can often carry a message of “don’t challenge me” or “don’t get angry at me.” Her own thinking may create the fear of feeling guilty if she does let that anger come out, so she may continually hold it back.
Individual counselling is often better than marriage counselling at the beginning. Sexual counselling is helpful when both partners feel good enough about their relationship to work with therapists and gain an understanding of the specific emotional and physical natures of their sexual responses. The book Sex Is a Thirteen Letter Word by William and Carolyn Chernekoff outlines a system that focuses on gradual and progressive touching instead of intercourse.
One book, In Touch by Noam and Beryl Chernick, is out of print but may be available from second hand stores, focuses on the importance of positive emotional attitudes toward each other as the first step of any sexual therapy.
You must be patient with your partner’s non-responsiveness. If we are impatient, we communicate that something is wrong with her, and she needs to be fixed. Sexual intimacy problems develop between two people, and blaming or pointing fingers only make them worse.
For men, I recommend any books by Herb Goldberg about masculinity, and books by John Gray, who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. But, remember, when you read a book, you are doing it for what you can learn from it. If your partner shows interest in what you have learned, share it with her, but carefully, so that you are not implying that she ought to learn and practise those same things herself.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is wwwsasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
