Q: My wife is late for just about everything that we do together.
I try to be patient when she is tardy, but often as not I will get edgy and push her to hurry. That usually ends up in an argument, which will of course take the fun out of whatever it was we were planning to do together.
I would like to change all of this, as would my wife, but we are not sure where to start. What do you think?
A: All of us have been late occasionally. At times we have been guilty of being deliberately late. We use our clocks as subtle ways of letting the world know that we are not about to let anyone push us around.
Read Also
Nutritious pork packed with vitamins, essential minerals
Recipes for pork
The problem is that sometimes we confuse those who are deliberately late with problems generated by people who are chronically late.
I am sure that this has happened to you and your wife, that for any number of reasons you get personally offended when she is late. You do not need to get so upset. I doubt that your wife is one of those who deliberately tries to annoy or manipulate other people.
Most chronic latecomers are not out to hurt anyone. They are too busy trying to please too many people to do anything properly. As you know, trying to do too much is a sure fire way for generating confusion, disorganization and interpersonal tensions. No wonder that you and your wife argue every now and then.
Chronic lateness is likely the result of some form of personal anxiety. As with any anxiety, the starting point for change is to learn to take regular time-outs and just relax for a few moments. Turn off the television set, cellphones, and whatever loud music your adolescent kids are playing on their iPods. Anything other than soft soothing music is unacceptable.
Time-outs are your wife’s opportunities to figure out what her priorities are. Chances are that she has been so busy pleasing other people that she has lost sight of what is important for her own well-being. She can still love and care for other people. She just needs to make sure that she keeps her own priorities in focus.
The hard part for her is the next step: learning to say no. Saying no is hard but rewarding. She will be late less frequently and she will enjoy doing whatever it is she is doing more than she previously did..
As simple as all of this sounds, in fact it is a difficult prescription to follow. Your wife needs all of the positive support you can give her. She will have setbacks and disappointments throughout the process of changing and the last thing she needs from you is more criticism, which generates more anxiety.
Be patient. The odds for success are much better if both of you are committed to helping her change.
