Return to farm doesn’t work
Q: Our son and his family came back home to farm with us some time ago. Now, all of a sudden, he is going back to the city to work. My husband and I went into debt when he came home to work on the farm. Now we are left with too much and have to pay for it.
He hasn’t talked to us about why he is doing this. We heard, in town, that he had got a job in the city. I’m really scared to say anything to him as he is a person who holds grudges and can’t let go of things. I am worried that I will be blamed for their leaving and giving up the farm. I know he hates the debt we are under, and I wish there was some way we could assure him that farming will get better.
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It was his idea to come home to farm after going out and learning a trade. He wasn’t pressured or forced into becoming a farmer. His dad had said he would sell him the farm, but when he went to Farm Credit to get money, the lender turned him down and told him he’d never be able to handle the payments from such a debt.
He never did come back to us to talk about making other arrangements. And at this time, we cannot afford to just retire from the farm and have him take it over. We didn’t realize he was unhappy or having problems until recently. Can you give some insight on what to do or any books we could read?
A: Unfortunately, your story is too common these days because of the farm financial crisis. I would guess your son hasn’t talked to you directly because of his own anxiety about providing for his own family’s future, and perhaps feeling too proud to talk to you about having his dreams falling apart.
He may also feel embarrassed or even guilty about not being able to achieve his dream of becoming a self-sufficient farmer.
This behavior is not unusual, since most men tend to repress feelings of embarrassment, anxiety or even guilt, so they don’t have to face them. Adding to this is that a farmer’s pride is heavily invested in his farm and its well-being.
If he is not ready to talk about his feelings, you and your husband could write a note to him, acknowledging the difficulty he may feel he is in, and encouraging him to sit down with you and share his feelings. Or, if he is not ready for that, maybe he could respond in a note.
Helpful books
One book that could help both you and him prepare for this writing and talking time is Peoplemaking by Virginia Satir, available in most libraries and book stores. She talks about how people in families are pulled in too many directions at once, and of the various unhealthy communicating styles or postures that we may use to protect ourselves emotionally.
If your son is willing to explore his own emotions, I would recommend two books of daily meditations or thoughts geared for men, A Man’s Book Of The Spirit by Bill Alexander, Avon books, 1994 and Touchstone by Harper/Hazelden.
Although the second book was written from a 12-step program point of view, any man can gain insight into himself by reading it. These readings are emotionally spiritual, rather than religious by nature.
I have been able to find very few books about farm family stress. One is Living Off The Land – A Spirituality of Farming by Diane Baltzaz, Novalis Pub. 1994. It is excellent. Wood Lake Books distributes it in Western Canada. I don’t know if a much shorter booklet, Making The Good Life Better by Val Farmer, Reiman Publications, 5400 S. 60th St., Greendale, Wisconsin, 51329 (1987) is still in print.
If readers are aware of other books that focus on farm family stress, please contact me at 306-764-1214 or by e-mail at petergrif@sk.sympatico.ca with the information.
