Ownership is a mutual affair
Q:I read a recent column of yours and wish to add my story to the ongoing story of the farm wife dilemma. After almost 50 years of marriage, I am still waiting for my husband to give me credit for what I put into the farm life. After working 18 hours a day, off and on the farm, I am still waiting to have my contribution acknowledged. My fondest wish is to hear my husband say “our farm,” “our house,” “our machinery,” or “our anything” for that matter.
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The ‘I’ word or the ‘my’ word seems to be all the vocabulary he knows. He will not give me nor our children credit for what we have done for ourselves or for him. Is it any wonder why some children will not remain and farm with their parents?
Farm life is hard. It involves very long hours and often for very little. We do not have a pension plan, dental plan or even money for eyeglasses sometimes when they are really needed. My children went without all these things when they were growing up. I won’t go into detail about the jobs I’ve had to do to pay for them. Some of them were not pleasant at all. But all farm wives know what that is all about. Please stress to your readers that the young farmers of today must learn to give credit to their wives and families for the energy and contribution they have given to the farm. And men, please give up that ‘I’ word. We all worked hard for it. Thanks for listening. A tired farm-wife.
A: You may be tired, but you are gutsy. You’ve called the play exactly as it is. Women need partners, not “mine-ah” birds. Men need to acknowledge the “person-hood” of their partner and the contribution she makes to his life. A woman is not a man’s wife, like his truck or tractor. She is a person with a name and with feelings. In New Choices, a program for abusive men that I work in, we do not allow the men to use the phrase, “my wife, the woman, or the old lady.” We insist they describe her by her given name.
It took many, many years and court battles before a woman’s contribution to the farm was legally and economically recognized. But too many women, like yourself, are still waiting for the emotional recognition.
It would be great if your husband would read this, recognize the important of the word ‘our’ and only use the word ‘I’ when he was expressing a feeling or a desire, and not giving you an order. But to be realistic, it may not happen. A man can change his attitudes and beliefs about marriage and women at any point of his life, even well into his 70s, and some have. But there is a tendency by men to resist change the older they get. The old expression, “you can always tell a retired prairie farmer, but you can’t tell him very much,” is unfortunately, at times, very true.
I hope, however, that your letter will reach the younger farm families and younger farm wives. Men pick up unhealthy attitudes and beliefs from other men and will continue to use them until they are confronted with their behavior. And a wife can confront by saying, “I don’t like you saying that,” or “I don’t like it when you do that,” which challenges her partner’s behavior, without attacking him personally.
If your letter results in a few farm wives saying to their partners, “I don’t like it when you call it my farm, I would like you to refer to it as our farm,” or has them say to their partners, “I feel comfortable and OK if you ask me to do something, as long as I really have the right to decide if I am going to do it, but I feel controlled when you tell me or order me to do something,” then your letter will have achieved its goal.
