Spouse treated like possession
A: A healthy marriage is based on trust, openness and a willingness to share not only money, but yourself, along with your feelings, desires, hopes, joys and pains. You realize now, looking back, that your decision to marry again was based more on your hurts, insecurities and loneliness that grew out of your first marriage, than on a mutual commitment to share and experience life together.
I suspect your second husband saw you as a possession, something he needed to make it through the rest of his life. You hardly mention closeness and emotional warmth in your letter. I suspect this has been absent or sadly lacking. Ask yourself the following questions:
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1) If you believe you are not being treated with respect, especially in the non-monetary part of your relationship, how do you need to let your partner know this?
2) If he refuses to listen to your concerns or respect your emotional needs, do you need to talk to a counselor about your options? You could continue to live in the same house as him, but detach yourself from him. The pamphlet Detachment that is available from Al-Anon has good ideas on this. I can send it to you or others who send me a self-addressed stamped envelope.
3) Could you live with that situation? You could try making some positive changes in your relationship from your side, hoping that this might influence his behavior toward you. If you want to do that, I recommend the book by Susan Page, How One Of You Can Bring The Two Of You Together. But remember, the only person you have control over in your life is you, not him.
4) What do you need to do if you can’t live with that situation? If your partner refuses to be a caring, loving and sharing partner, then you may need to consider whether you can remain in that relationship.
Some men only wake up to the responsibilities inherent in a healthy and caring relationship when they are one step away from losing it. Unless a man becomes involved in counseling, either individually or with his partner, he may not make changes or keep promises made under the pressure of breaking up.
These are tough questions and I suggest you find some qualified person in your community to help you work on them.
