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COPING

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Published: June 10, 1999

Adult son grows distant

Q: My husband and I both worked outside the home and raised five children. My husband and I spent our free time at home involved in our children’s activities, giving those activities preference over adult social activities. Family certainly came first.

One son doesn’t seem comfortable with his siblings, or even with me. He is married and has several children. He and his wife have successful careers. We babysat their children many times in the past. But they seem to avoid us now. We are never invited over to their place even though we live quite close.

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They are private about their lives, but seem to want to know everything we are doing. We invited them to visit, both at Christmas and at New Years, but they held back from telling me they weren’t coming until the last minute. I haven’t phoned them since, and they haven’t phoned me. And their children are pulling away from us.

Our son tends to be opinionated and defensive towards his siblings, and even at times toward me. I don’t know how to improve our situation and help him solve his antagonism. I feel that as parents we have neglected to do what we needed to do to make him a well-adjusted, confident man. How can I improve our relationship in the times ahead?

A: Parents cannot control their children’s future. As Kahlil Gibran says beautifully in his book, The Prophet, about parents, “You are the bow which aims and directs the arrow. The Creator is the archer. Once the arrow is released, you have no control over it, except for the direction you gave it in life.” This is a must-read book for parents and couples.

I can understand your hurt. You are feeling abandoned and let down by your son. But children have a mind of their own, sometimes from an early age, and often choose actions or courses that we don’t like. And often, parents feel overly responsible for how their children turn out, even when it is not of their doing.

You were good parents. You have a good relationship with your other children. This one son and his wife have chosen how they act toward you. You have the right to tell them you feel hurt, but without blaming them or trying to make them feel responsible for your feelings. Things change when two people marry. I believe people must retain their own identity as a person within marriage. But they also become something else – a couple with their own ideas and agendas as a family. Marriage is not really two becoming one, as clergy say, but two becoming three. The two of you become myself, yourself and ourself.

I don’t know why your son has pulled away from you. Perhaps he and his wife value their own personal family space more than they do their extended family. Perhaps he has aligned himself with her family, or she has some personal issues about parents from her own past. Perhaps they don’t stop to consider the effect of their actions on other family members.

Providing you don’t compare him to his other siblings, and don’t blame him, I would suggest you write him a letter explaining the feelings of loss you are experiencing from not seeing more of him and his children.

Since, as you told me, you are the children’s only grandparents, you are important to them and vice versa. If your son is not relaxed with his other siblings, which you hint at, you might suggest times for just you and your husband and your son’s family to get together. This may respect their need for privacy within the family.

Writing a letter is better than phoning, but put the letter away for a few days before you mail it, and edit it to make sure you are not criticizing and pressuring. When he gets it, he has time to put it down, even ignore it for a while, think about it, and then get back to you.

Both you and he might benefit from my column printed a few weeks ago about the difference between agreeing or understanding and accepting and respecting.

I can be reached at 306-764-1214 or by e-mail at petergrif@sk.sympatico.ca.

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