How modern families cope
Q: The farm wife who complained about the loss of love in her marriage had some good points. But as a man and a farmer, I believe the biggest thing that is killing farmers today in their marriages is pride.
A generation ago, wives were always home with the kids or by their husband’s side. Some wives worked off the farm, but not to the extent they do today. Today, her income is often crucial for the survival of the farm. Quality time has all but disappeared, because of both parents working, off and on the farm
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In the past, Sunday was a time to visit family or friends, or go on a picnic. But now on Sundays, Mom and Dad get caught up with their sleep, or do things on the farm they couldn’t get done during the week.
How does pride fit in? 1) In the past, Dad made enough money, and even hired a man if necessary. Things were done by the weekend to allow for quality time. Now the husband feels he has let down his family by not giving them the quality of life he wants to. 2) When the wife works off the farm, he is alone with day-to-day work and decisions. Wives no longer can help him move equipment or drive him home from the field. And if he doesn’t feel he is productive, he doesn’t have much pride. 3) Coffee breaks and meals aren’t much fun when you are the only one at the table. Words of encouragement or wisdom are not there when needed. When his wife gets home, she’s tired. His pride and self-worth suffer because he’s mad at himself for putting her into that situation. 4) Sometimes she earns more in town than he makes off the farm. If they have two cars, she needs the good one for going to town, and he’s stuck with the junker. 5) Sometimes banks see him as a high risk, so his wife, having a regular income, has to take out loans. He may be the man of the house, but the car has to be in her name.
Most farmers have great respect for the extra effort our working wives make, but deep down, we are mad at ourselves for letting our wives and ourselves down. If you take a wild animal and cage it, it will not act normally. It’s the same with farmers in these economic times. Once they were free and loving, now they are caged and bewildered. If economic pressures on the farm ease off, then husbands will return to be the persons their wives once knew.
A: You clearly pointed out some of the problems facing farm marriages today. I agree that our country needs to recognize the social contribution made by farm families to our country and take steps to bring some financial stability into returns from production.
But we can’t go back. We can’t mourn the good old days, which didn’t have some of the advantages of the not-so-good-now days. When farm couples deny or fight the stresses that you mentioned, family and married life deteriorate.
Farm families need to make choices. If both partners work, make the best of what little time there may be for you as a couple and as a family. If necessary, negotiate a bit of time from the off-farm job. Although you want to be part of your children’s life, let them know you can’t go to every school or sports function. Try to arrange “parent pooling” with others in your area.
It’s not the pressure in life that destroys people and families, but how they handle it. Practise time management on the farm. List things to be done, in order of priority, knowing that emergencies such as sick animals or broken machinery can upset that list.
Giving yourself credit for what you have accomplished, rather than kicking yourself for what you haven’t done, leads to better self-esteem and pride. We can’t go back to yesterday. We can’t totally predict the future. But we can and need to schedule each day so that we feel good about ourselves.
