Columnist not a woman’s man
Q: I have a complaint after reading your interesting column for many years. It appears you must be a “woman’s man.” You side with the lady in almost every marital dispute you publish. You have lots of good advice for her, but seldom any for a man. You say the right things in your advice, including suggesting praying, but never, ever, do you say, “Trust the Good Lord to help us,” yourself included.
A: Since your letter was signed with two names, I assume you both talked the issue over before one of you wrote the letter. If you didn’t, then one of you spoke for the other, which I don’t think is healthy.
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I get many more letters about marriage from women than from men. And these women usually are concerned about being neglected or abused within their marriage. Abuse in marriage can be emotional, social, verbal or physical.
I give letters from men equal consideration. But I don’t hear from men often. That is likely because most men have been raised to falsely believe that it is not manly to say “ouch” or to admit they need help, and are ashamed or afraid to write to me about their marriage.
I have never said women were not abusive. Women can be emotionally or verbally abusive. Some may also become physically abusive. But, whether you agree with me or not, men still tend to be more abusive to women than women toward men. And in many cases, when a woman does resort to abuse, it is an act of desperation.
Harass partner
Here is a good example. If a man leaves a relationship, he is usually not harassed and threatened by his former partner. But women who leave relationships have a much higher risk of being harassed, threatened, injured or even killed by their ex-partner, who then often kills himself as well.
Influenced by the patriarchal attitude that came across from Europe when North America was colonized, men used to believe they were the boss, and acted that way. And any woman who challenged that attitude was often abused by men and even censured by other women who had been conditioned to be servile.
If you want evidence of this, look at the historical arguments used against giving women the right to vote, or even to operate their own farms. And tragically there are still places in the world, in Africa, the Middle East and Asia, where women are still treated as possessions, not people.
I have worked with some women who have been abusive to men, but they are still in a minority. My approach in counseling these women is the same as it is when I work with men – to get them to recognize their behaviors and the beliefs that lie behind their actions, and to learn to change both how they behave and what they think and believe about themselves and others.
I only have enough space to publish a small portion of most letters I receive. Before I use the letter and respond to it, I look closely at it to assess if a woman’s story makes sense to me, and if she is sharing it in a way that indicates honesty and openness rather than revenge or manipulation.
But I’m not perfect. Twice in the 20 years that I have written this column for The Western Producer, I found out later that the woman had distorted the facts. But at the time I answered those letters the best I could.
I value spiritual resources. I believe that our Creator (my preferred word for God) works through people, as well as through responding to prayer and the teachings of the scriptures. I urge people to connect with other helping and understanding persons in their community so that they can heal spiritually in many ways.
In the New Choices For Men Program, most of the men who stick with it and succeed at it grow spiritually and emotionally. Many use prayer as a regular personal support system.
Readers can get more information about various types of spouse abuse by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to me c/o Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4. Messages can be left at 306-764-1214 or e-mail petergrif@sk.sympatico.ca.
