The trouble with being right
The trouble with having to be right, especially in an argument with someone close to you, is that no matter whether you are right or wrong, things usually end up being wrong for the relationship.
If you prove the other person is wrong, how do you think he feels about herself and you? And even if the other person gives in to avoid further fighting and hassling, you have lost. You’ve likely lost some of her respect, and most likely some of the closeness between you and her.
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In a recent book, How One Of You Can Bring The Two of You Together, published by Broadway Books (Doubleday Bantam), Susan Page says that you may get to believe you are right, but that’s all you get.
“You get to be right. You don’t get to reduce the conflict in your relationship. You don’t get to stop feeling angry. You don’t get the changes you long for. Being right is a dead end. Life just stops there. Nothing else happens.”
No satisfaction
Just think about it. If you are told you are wrong by your partner, you don’t tend to thank her. You carry around some resentment.
And if you believe you are right, you may feel a glow of satisfaction for awhile, but does it last? Not very long. And every time you remind yourself (or think) you are right, you feel a little bit of resentment toward your partner.
In your mind, you find yourself thinking, “if only he (or she) had admitted he was wrong earlier, the argument wouldn’t have gone on for so long.”
Instead of accepting your responsibility for continuing the argument, you blame the other person.
Stop yourself when you get into “you’re wrong, I’m right”, thinking. Take a time-out. Go off by yourself. Look at things more objectively. Have a talk with yourself. You may wish to use the following self-talk script:
“How do I know I am absolutely right? Could I be forgetting something? Could I be misinterpreting something? How important is the issue? Does it really matter who is right or wrong?
If it involves some money or time, is it worth creating tension and ill-will between myself and my partner? If it is an opinion or viewpoint, can we not respect each other’s viewpoint instead of attacking them?
Will my telling or proving to my partner that he or she is wrong do anything to help her change her views, or will it only make her more firm in her position?
What can I do in this situation, with respect to my views and opinions, that will help me feel OK about myself, and at the same time show respect, concern and consideration toward my partner?
Finally, does it really matter who is right or wrong about this issue?”
If you take time to do the above, you will discover ways to put aside the issue of who is right or wrong, and respond to your partner in ways that are right for the well-being and health of your relationship.
I read many self-help books. How One Of You Can Bring The Two Of You Together is one I can highly recommend to anyone who wants to improve their marriage.
Messages can be left for Peter Griffiths at 306-764-1214 or e-mail petergrif@sk.sympatico.ca.
