MSW, RSW
Spouse is controlling
Q: I find it hard to live with a controlling husband. I live like a six year old who is not allowed out. I go nowhere alone, since he never lets me off the farm by myself. I desperately need time with my family and friends. Wherever I go, he tags along. This is driving me crazy. I’m through trying to talk to him. We only end up fighting. Some day soon, I may say the hell with it and leave.
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A: His need to control you and be in charge of your life is definitely abusive.
You have the right to take care of yourself. This can be difficult if you are out on a farm and have no way to get to town on your own. I suspect you don’t drive. Some abusive men don’t like their wives to have a driver’s licence.
Or, is it a matter of him controlling the keys to the vehicle?
I don’t know the degree to which he has stopped you from going out, other than bugging you and tagging along like a puppy dog. If he has used physical force, to stop you from going out, you need to contact the number listed below.
I suspect he is so insecure about you, but won’t admit to it, that he convinces himself he has to be with you at all times.
Most men who are controllers do so because they are emotionally scared little boys. They don’t feel confident about themselves and are afraid of losing their partners. So they end up acting like Saran Wrap, clinging to them.
It sounds like your husband doesn’t listen when you talk. That’s common when dealing with someone who is wrapped up in themselves. You might try writing out your concerns. It’s harder to argue with a piece of
paper than with a person.
Express feelings
Could your family or friends help by letting your husband know what his behavior is doing to you? Is there a nurse, family doctor or a clergy who would be willing to talk with him about what you are experiencing?
Or you could ask directory assistance for the nearest counseling service or shelter for abused women or your provincial association of abused women’s shelters. These agencies will generally accept collect phone calls.
Yes, you may have to leave in the future. But it’s important to know where you can get help if you do leave.
I hope your husband reads this column. However, I wonder if he will recognize himself. I doubt if he will be willing to go for help. Most abusers blame their partners and come up with excuses for their abusive behavior.
Saskatchewan’s toll free, 24 hour telephone line for abused women is 888-338-0880. For numbers in other provinces, check the website www.hotpeachpages.org.
