Sexual assault in the family
Q: I have recently been told by my younger sister that she was sexually abused by our older brother years ago. This has been quite a shock to hear about. The brother in question is now dead. I would like an opinion as to whether my sister should have told other members of our family about this.
A: Obviously, she didn’t tell anyone in the family about this when it happened. What she did or didn’t do back then was OK for her at the time. And I hope family members will treat it as being OK as well.
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I am guessing that this took place many years ago, when people didn’t talk at all about sexual assault or sexual abuse, especially when it occurred within the family. Back then there were almost no places where a woman could get support and counseling if sexually abused.
Given that situation, it is most unlikely your sister could turn to anyone after the abuse took place. The fact the abuser was her brother put her in an impossible situation. If she talked about it, she might have been blamed for causing it. That would immediately label her as sinful, a loose woman, or even corrupted or sexually perverted.
Also, nobody in the family would likely want to hear, let alone believe, such a shocking story. If her brother denied it, it would then be her word against his. His being older and a male may have tipped the scales toward him being believed and her being called a liar. Accusing him might even bring about more abuse from him, either emotionally, verbally or sexually.
I am guessing the abuse took place when she was a child or young teenager. Although sexual abuse is traumatizing at all ages, children and young teens are in an especially helpless situation. They are easier to threaten and coerce. They are often confused by the sexual abuse since they don’t yet understand their bodies and sexual responses. And unfortunately, they are less likely to be believed by adults.
In some cases when young girls and boys are within a year or so in age and sex play occurs between them by mutual consent, this is more likely sexual exploration rather than abuse. So if a parent discovers two pre-puberty children in a bedroom, naked, playing doctor, don’t panic. It’s not perversion. It’s not abuse. It’s a normal type of exploration triggered by curiosity.
However, it is helpful to educate both children about the fact that their bodies are indeed quite different in the genital area, and remind them certain parts of our body are considered private, only to be touched by ourselves, or doctors or nurses who need to touch those areas as part of taking care of us.
Thankfully, there is help for women or men who have been sexually abused or assaulted as children or adults. If you have been sexual abused and haven’t talked to anyone about it, check with the public health nurse or mental health worker for the address and phone number of the nearest sexual assault counseling service.
