MSW, RSW
Sex not a commodity
A man wrote to me in response to the Dec. 9 column about a woman who was losing interest in sex. He said a similar problem developed between him and his wife after she fell under the influence of a mind-controlling, charismatic religion.
“Soon after, intercourse refusals increased, and even appreciative gestures from me, like a pat or a hug, drew sparks from her. That hurt me deeply,” he wrote.
He suggested counseling, but she refused and, in response to his threat to seek sex elsewhere, said she didn’t care if he did.
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This man ended up seeing a counselor. His wife chose not to do so. The tone in his letter indicates he has learned to live with things not exactly as he would like them. But he certainly didn’t handle the situation well. His comment about being tempted was a threat, and his wife’s reply didn’t surprise me
at all.
Sex can become a problem in marriage when it is seen as a commodity, something you have the right to get, or something you can earn the right to get.
Nobody likes being used or being at someone’s beck and call. That is what many women likely feel whenever they are pressured, however subtly, to have sexual intercourse. Intimacy has to be a two-vote decision.
Emotional closeness
A man will not suffer physical problems if he doesn’t have intercourse. It is often men’s egos that suffer the most when their partner doesn’t want to have sex. This doesn’t have to be so. Men are only inflicting suffering on themselves when they choose to feel hurt because their partner says no. This is partly due to the notion that the only sexual act
is intercourse. He refuses to acknowledge the emotional and sexual excitement that may
result from snuggling, hugging or gently caressing his partner’s body.
Sex is a feeling of emotional and tactile closeness to your partner. It’s a feeling of giving comfort and being comforted. And both partners don’t have to feel turned on sexually for that to happen.
Two books I recommend to couples are Sex Is A Thirteen Letter Word, by the Chernekoffs, and In Touch by Noam and Beryl Chernick, available through most libraries.
If you have access to a computer you can e-mail questions to any of our expert columnists at newsroom@producer.com.
Or you can mail your question to the relevant columnist and the newspaper will forward it unopened. Mail to columnist name c/o Editorial Dept., Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4.
