Shifting topic of conversation
Q: I don’t know what to do about a certain relative. She is preoccupied with everything about herself. If you try to talk about someone else, even her immediate family members, she will end up complaining about how life has treated her, or how sick she feels. I don’t want to be rude to her, but her behavior is really getting to me.
A: Some people are so preoccupied with their emotional pains, which they often bring on themselves by negative thinking, that it is hard to get them to think or talk about anything else.
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Despite our best efforts, we have absolutely no control over anyone else’s behavior. But we do have the right and authority of our own responses to that behavior. And we can choose to respond in ways so that we take care of ourselves. There is no magic answer. But here are some strategies that may make it easier to get along with her.
- Acknowledge her feelings, briefly. Don’t focus on the details of her woes, but merely comment, “I realize that is bothering you,” or “I can see you are not feeling the best today,” and then immediately change the topic. Talk about something objective, whether it is the latest news, what is on television, or some factual information about something else other than her. It will likely distract her for a while.
- Once you have acknowledged her feelings, refuse to get caught up in them again. You can do this several ways. You can tell her that you have got her message, but do not wish to hear other things from her at this time. If she continues, just break in and say, “I am not interested in discussing that topic right now,” and try to bring up another topic.
Speak gently, calmly and softly. This strategy may or may not work. Repeat the exact words you used previously, and in the same calm tone. This is known as the broken record technique. You don’t get worked up. You don’t add fuel to the fire. You just calmly repeat your position, as many times as you have to. And with some people this may be several times.
- She may continue to bring up topics you don’t want to listen to or respond to. Tell her that politely and clearly. Then, don’t listen or respond to what she is saying. More than likely, she will notice you are quiet and will ask why you aren’t responding. Then, calmly remind her that you are not going to respond to that topic.
A single career woman used to have to deal with constant questioning from her mother. Whenever the mother phoned her, she’d ask her if she had a boyfriend, if it was serious, etc. Boyfriends and marriage were far from this woman’s mind. But, no matter how often she asked her mother not to bring up that topic, her mother kept doing it.
Finally the woman told her mother that she would not reply to her if she brought up the topic of boyfriends again. Within moments, her mother did. The woman then stopped talking on the phone, but didn’t hang up. After a few moments of silence, the mother said, “Are you still there?” Daughter replied “Yes, Mother.” Mother asked, “Then why aren’t you talking to me?” To which daughter said, “I told you, Mother, that I wouldn’t discuss that topic.”
It didn’t take too many phone calls before Mother stopped asking about boyfriends.
