Wife’s rages are unbearable
Q: I’ve been married more than 20 years. The ups and downs of our marriage have been extreme. On our honeymoon, my wife went into a rage when I dripped some water on the floor of the motel after showering. In a restaurant she gave the waitress heck and stormed into the kitchen because her order wasn’t done properly. Yet she was sweet and loving shortly after.
Sparked by trivial things
When she is busy doing housework or gardening, things are great. But when decisions must be made, as to which shirt I should wear, or in which lane I should drive, all hell breaks loose. The other day she yelled when my spoon clinked on the cereal bowl.
Read Also
Stock dogs show off herding skills at Ag in Motion
Stock dogs draw a crowd at Ag in Motion. Border collies and other herding breeds are well known for the work they do on the farm.
It was hell when we built our first house. She argued and changed her mind constantly. We’re fixing up another house for retirement now, and the same thing is happening again.
Any decision she has to make changes her character so much, but she doesn’t seem to realize this. She used to be very hard on herself, apologizing and calling herself a rotten person. We saw some counsellors and doctors. They found she had PMS, and medications helped somewhat. She is past menopause now. Her mood swings and irritability are back like before. Are there medications that can help her?
A: Since she has had mood problems in the past, I strongly recommend she see her family doctor, who may recommend psychological counselling or some programs about stress or anger. We all have our individual thresholds for stress. Hers may be quite low and she may need help to handle life’s irritations better. After she has blown up, she likely feels pretty rotten about it, even though she may not express these feelings to you or others.
She may get over her upsets quicker than you. As a way of protecting herself emotionally, she may forget (or stuff back) the memory of the blow-up soon after it occurs. You, however, are still reeling from the shock wave.
Develop strategy
Each of you needs to develop your own strategy to deal with these upsets, at least as a short-term way of hanging in. With help she can work on her behavior. She likely doesn’t realize it herself, but negative self-talk, ideas, fears or beliefs are likely behind those emotional outbursts.
Your strategy is to take a time-out. Tell her you care for her. You don’t blame her. But excuse yourself for a period of time, whether 10, 20 or 30 minutes, until you have calmed down or recovered from the upset. And by taking a time-out for yourself, you also allow her a time-out as well.
You must do the following: Explain to her what a time-out is all about. Second, you must reassure her when you need to take a time-out that you care for her, and that your absence is not a punishment but a way for you to be able to handle your feelings without ending up upset yourself.
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing in this paper may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic letters.
