Emotionally abusive spouse
Q: I do not have a happy marriage. My husband, whom I love, wants to control our two young children. They are to be in bed by eight every night, without exception. He doesn’t recognize or respond to their emotional needs at bedtime. He also said in front of our four year old that her art, which I hung up in her bedroom, looked like junk.
I have learned, and try to put into action, that I am only responsible for my part in my marriage and family. I want to get beyond the power my husband has to hurt me. I like a clean house, as does he, but I put reading a book or doing crafts with our children ahead of cleaning. But he says I’m lazy and messy.
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I work part time. I finally found a housekeeper he will allow in our house. She helps me clean once a week, but because the house isn’t spotless, and we talk while we clean, he thinks I should take her out for coffee and “waste” the money that way instead. He says I’m paying her for company. I believe he wants to sabotage my efforts to work, get rid of the housekeeper and attack me for being messy again.
He often says feminists have ruined life as we knew it. He says he does everything around the house, since he provides for us by working, puts dirty clothes into the machine, “babysits” his own kids when I work. He is cooking a bit now because he put his supper, which I made with a lot of effort and attention, into the garbage one time too many for me to tolerate.
Aside from my job, I spend the rest of my time caring for our children. I believe it’s important to teach them about their feelings and how to communicate, as well as teaching them responsibilities. I believe children need to see parents talk things out, and see everyone valued for who they are in a family.
My husband refuses to call me by my given name, which I believe is an effort to control me on his part. I asked him not to call me “mommy,” when the kids aren’t around. I also want to learn how to respond to the cruel things he says, quietly and calmly, and challenge some of his beliefs about us, our marriage, our children.
I believe we are repeating what we learned in our original families. My husband came from an alcoholic, violent home. I came from a large farm family where I learned to fix relationships as much as possible. I feel very responsible for our children’s future. Despite all the other good qualities that my husband and I have, I’m afraid that no amount of warmth and love can counteract the damage done by our verbally abusive relationship.
My husband has never been physically violent to me, but that does not automatically make for happiness.
A: I can only print a portion of your letter, but it contains the answers to many of your own questions. You may love your husband, but you don’t need to accept abusive behavior from him. Yes, he hasn’t physically struck you. But that’s only one form of abuse. Belittling you, cutting down your child’s art, acting like “lord and master” over you, refusing to call you by your given name, are all abusive behaviors.
Because of his family background, he may not have learned the art of being a supportive, caring partner, which is much more than just being a husband. But he can start learning it now if he chooses. You, however, have the right to protect yourself emotionally from such abusive behaviors. The Emotionally Abused Woman and Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, by Beverly Engel, available in paperback (Fawcett), and You Can’t Say That To Me, by Suzette Elkin (Wiley), can help you with this task. If your husband would like some information about overcoming emotionally abusive behaviors, I’d be happy to send him some. But he (and any other husband) must write to me himself, for me to send it out.
