Mother is always negative
Q: My mother has always been a negative person and can hold grudges for a lifetime. She’s a pensioner in good health who has been widowed over 10 years. She has two daughters and both my sister and I are married with a family.
From mom’s view, it seems everyone does everything wrong. She never gives a compliment, but loves to get them. She tells us we never talk with her and that we have no idea of what it’s like to be alone. If we ask, “What is it like?” she gets mad and walks away.
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She is very jealous. If any of us buy or get something, she does the same to keep up with us. Yet, she doesn’t give us much credit for anything. When we tell her that, she says, “maybe that’s true” and that’s all.
She has no money problems. Our father left her well off. A lot of his machinery and tools aren’t being used, and just rusting. Yet she doesn’t want to sell them.
She is secretive. We know she has a will, but she refuses to tell us where she keeps it. She uses several banks.
We try to talk to her, but she ignores us and says negative things about our father. She can sulk for weeks, making us feel like dirt. It sure hurts. I’m trying to get used to it. The more we do for her, the less she thinks of us. I told her that. She said it wasn’t true.
We include her completely in our own families’ lives. But her behavior is getting me down more and more each year. I end up feeling more negative toward her. At times I’ve taken out my feelings on my spouse. And my children also see how down I am.
I don’t want to end up being negative like my mother. I want to feel more positive. How can I deal more easily with my mother?
A: I could probably write a book about situations like yours. Yes, it hurts. The love and devotion you feel toward your mother is being eroded by her. You can’t change her, but you can change your behavior. This may be hard, but maintain your caring for her, without getting trapped into those negative emotion reactions you mentioned. An Al-Anon pamphlet called Detachment, although written especially for spouses of alcoholics, has some good ideas you can apply with your mother.
Unsolved work
Trying to look at things from her view may help. I suspect your mother’s negative nature got worse after your father died. I wonder if she got any help with her grieving when he died, from sources outside the family. Unresolved and incomplete grief work can create some of the symptoms she is showing. Insecure people can become clingy, fussy or demanding.
Don’t discuss her will with her. It doesn’t matter which bank it is in. When the time comes down the road, when it is needed, any bank will give a next-of-kin access to a deceased’s safety deposit box in order to locate and get the will.
Your mother needs direction and support from you. Check with your library for the following books: Cutting Loose, Coming to Terms With Your Adult Parents, by Howard Halpern and My Mother, My Self, by Nancy Friday. With luck you might find them in a bookstore, but they may be out of print now. Most libraries will track down a book for you, sometimes even out of your province.