Q: I love my husband, but at times feel that I can’t live with him. We get into the most hurtful arguments about the farm, the house, the kids and just about everything. It seems I can’t discuss things without my getting into the attack mood, and he into withdrawing and escaping to the shop.
A: There are many good books on marriage communication, but when people feel under stress a book seems so overwhelming that it often sits around unread.
Reading short articles often is more helpful. Try the internet for helpful articles including those from my past columns filed under the Saskatchewan provincial library website.
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The minute one person communicates that another person has to communicate to them, they create an imbalance of the relationship, and instead of an equality relationship, it becomes one of power and control.
People don’t often realize how easily they can set this up. They say something at one time, perhaps in anger or frustration, and the partner assumes they are serious. A useful exercise for couples is to share with each other what they think these communication rules are.
Don’t communicate when people aren’t listening. If your partner is driving a car, check with him or her as to if they feel comfortable having a conversation while driving.
Don’t begin statements with “you”, since this generally leads to critical remarks. Instead, begin sentences with “I feel…” and then describe the behaviour of your partner and how you feel about it.
Don’t ask questions. Questions expect an answer, even if you aren’t expecting them to answer. Questions put people on the spot and promote defensiveness or even elusiveness, which irritates the person who was asking the question.
Instead, raise a topic that you would like to talk about, and see if your partner is willing and interested in discussing it. If the answer is later, agree on a specific time.
Don’t dump your frustrations about yourself onto your partner. Be honest and say “Right now, I am having a problem with me”, if that is the case.
Listen and provide feedback to what you hear from your partner. Ask him or her to also give you feedback as to what they hear you saying. But don’t criticize them if they didn’t hear right. Words and tones can convey many meanings. The two of you may have to check back and forth several times to find what each of you mean and want to say.
Either of you may need to negotiate time apart, either to cool down over an issue or to try to think your own way through it. Agree to come back to the issue after an hour.
When you come back together, talk about your discoveries during that time alone, and don’t grill or criticize your partner if he or she hasn’t come up with the same ones.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
