Whenever I send an e-mail, I quickly find out if I have the wrong address. If I check my incoming e-mail, I see the ominous message from my server: “delivery notification Ð delivery has failed.”
But in many other ways that we communicate, we aren’t always sure that our message is getting through. Then, when the person doesn’t respond to what we thought we told them, we become irritated, frustrated or even angry.
This happens particularly in couple relationships and between parents and children. From personal experience, I can assure you that your children never reach the age of full understanding, regardless of how old they get.
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You may think your message has gone through. You may have got back a nod, an “uh-huh” or a “yeah.” But these are no guarantee that your message got through to their consciousness and memory.
“Yeah” or “uh-huh” are convenient ways to get someone off your back. You acknowledge that she was speaking to you. You say you heard what she said to you. But like water off a duck’s back, that message will likely wash off.
The key is how to know if someone heard what you wanted to tell him. The solution is simple. Ask him what he heard you telling him. The key, however, is to ask in a way that he thinks he is helping you, rather than being criticized or scrutinized.
“I need your help. Could you repeat back to me what you heard me saying?” is a useful technique.
Hearing something is just the first level of learning. Saying it aloud to yourself is the second level of learning. It’s not just the repetition that is valuable. Research has shown that when people speak, rather than listen or read, their retention of the material increases.
If this were done more often, I guarantee the level of friction or frustration in most homes would decrease.
A second level of reinforcing a message is to put the message in writing, after you have given the message verbally to a person, and then, using notes, put the message where the person can easily see it.
The same system can help you remember things. Before we moved into our new house last July, I had a note by the front door saying “cell phone?”
It reminded me that that my cell phone was only useful to me if I had it with me when I left the house. The system wasn’t perfect, but worked reasonably well.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
