Nothing can bring tears to parents’ eyes more quickly than watching their children sifting through their loneliness while other kids are playing and laughing and enjoying themselves.
Studies tell us that children who are comfortably relating to their peers while they are young will continue to do so as they get older. On the other hand, children who stumble with their social graces, and who are not given appropriate guidance, will either continue to isolate themselves when they mature or get caught up in anti-social behaviours.
We cannot always predict academic or vocational successes for children, but we can predict whether they will successfully cut the social pie. The more
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social victories they score when younger, the more they will score when they get older.
Most parents and teachers will do what they can to help children who are struggling on the playground. The problem is that kids are not certain where to start. Often as not they focus on assertion, trying to get the child to be more expressive, but that is not always a success and the child continues to be lonely.
In fact, successful children are not known to jump into a group of their peers and quickly integrate themselves. Instead, they sit back and observe and assess what is going on before they make their move. Only then will they quietly try to fit into what they see happening.
Socially successful children more quickly and accurately pick up on social cues than other children. They are not caught up in their own self-consciousness and awkwardness. They are not preoccupied with themselves and are open to hearing what others are saying and doing.
More importantly, successful children interpret social signals for what they are. This is a skill lost to isolated children. They, unfortunately, are quick to think that any signal they get from another child means that they are not liked. Then they are more inclined to withdraw further.
It is encouraging that people at any age can learn and develop better social skills. Helping lonely and isolated adults is not significantly different from
counselling lonely children or teens.
People are more successful when they are persuaded to properly assess social situations before they move into an activity. They do better when they let go of negative presumptions they often carry and free themselves to pick up on the social cues other people are giving them.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
