Spending time together helps healthy relationships thrive.
That is why days off, holidays and time together are valuable.
Sometimes my husband, Don, and I like to spend time in libraries and bookstores. Not too long ago, Don picked up a book that he thought I might like. He was right.
It is about clarity and truth in relationships, whether it be in a marriage, family or work situation.
Author Carl Alasko says some relationships are based on the “toxic trio” of deception, distortion of truth and manipulation of reality for a self-serving purpose.
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Alasko says that as human beings, we tend to exaggerate our virtues and minimize our defects to make ourselves look better, get what we want or avoid what we are afraid to face. We create a pretty picture or smoke screen for ourselves and often shift responsibility onto someone or something else so we don’t need to be accountable.
It is much easier to blame the other person than work together to make changes that may benefit both parties.
The attitude of “I want what I want when I want it, now, and don’t bother me with the facts or the consequences” focuses on short-term gain that may have negative long-term consequences.
This self-serving deception can fill a relationship with toxic energy and negative emotions.
By blaming another person after acting irresponsibly, we make ourselves feel better at the time but cause harm to the relationship. The result is both feel threatened and undermined rather than supported and loved.
Instead of playing the “toxic trio,” we could maturely ask ourselves, “what is my part in this? How can I act responsible and mature? What is the real truth here? Why don’t we do this?”
Alasko says what keeps us from feeling, thinking and acting maturely is the “frightful foursome” of anxiety, anger, pain and fear.
Some of us are afraid of being vulnerable. We are afraid to trust others, whether they are spouses, family, friends or business partners, or to feel intimacy and closeness in our relationships.
Instead, we build up ways to resist getting close. It is like self-sabotaging our own happiness.
The key to healthy relationships is to “know thyself.” This is not new. Socrates’ ancient Greek aphorism is as true today as it was then.
It is a win-win situation for everyone in your life when you understand who you are and what you really need to take care of your deepest, most authentic self.
In an ideal world, where both parties are emotionally healthy, you would awaken with a feeling of positive energy, contentment and confidence. Besides feeling loved and supported, you would feel respect, loyalty and trust for each other.
How do we build on the relationships we have?
Successful relationships are based on being physically and emotional available, having congruent values and ethics and having no active addictions.
We need to dedicate meaningful time to each other to share feelings and concerns and celebrate being together.
Fear is one of the main threats to communication. Fear of not being loved, respected or losing the relationship holds people back from being fully present and connected.
People need to feel safe and respected and know they will not be emotionally attacked or abused.
Often, what needs to be said isn’t said because one of the parties is either afraid to ask the questions or speak the truth.
A “please stop” hand signal could be used to monitor when a person begins to feel attacked. Both parties need to remain calm and listen completely to the other party.
It takes courage to do things differently, whether you have been in a relationship for two years, 20 years, or more. Relationships thrive when you invest time, energy and loving appreciation for each other.
It is never too late to increase the strength of a relationship. All that is needed is two willing participants who respect and accept each other.
Source: Emotional Bullshit … The Hidden Plague That Is Threatening to Destroy Your Relationship – And How To Stop It by Carl Alasko.
Alasko’s guidelines for communication:
- Both parties must agree to follow the guidelines. First, ask and receive permission to communicate
- Ask directly for what you need using one sentence that can be answered with a yes, no or maybe
- Control your emotions throughout the process (deep breaths)
- Take turns discussing the request without interruption, using only respectful words, body language and a moderate tone of voice
- Consider if the person’s request can be accepted or fulfilled
- Close the discussion with an understanding about the resolution. State clearly what each has agreed to
Fruitful muesli
We often have muesli for breakfast when we travel. It is also a good way to start your day at home. Cut the recipe in half for two or in four if you live alone.
2 c. steel-cut oats (also called Irish oatmeal, Scotch oats) 500 mL
2 c. coconut milk or your favourite juice 500 mL
1 c. vanilla yogurt 250 mL
1/4 c. chopped coconut 60 mL
2 c. fresh fruit, any combination (we sliced ours and put it on top) 500 mL
optional: chopped nuts
Combine all ingredients, except fruit and nuts, in large bowl and mix well.
Cover and refrigerate for eight hours or overnight.
Serve muesli cold sprinkled with toasted nuts, if desired.
Refrigerate in airtight container for three to four days. Makes four servings.
Source: Adapted from the website www.cooksrecipes.com.
Peanut butter Nanaimo bars
Nanaimo bars are one of my favourite squares.
This recipe is a good make-ahead dessert with a peanut flavour.
Base:
3/4 c. butter, melted 175 mL
1/3 c. sugar 75 mL
2 eggs, beaten
2 1/2 c. graham cracker crumbs 625 mL
3/4 c. shredded sweetened coconut 175 mL
3/4 c. roasted peanuts, finely chopped 175 mL
1/3 c. cocoa powder 75 mL
Cream together butter and sugar, then whisk in eggs, mixing well. Add crumbs, coconut, peanuts, and cocoa. Combine thoroughly. Press into nine by 13 inch (22 cm. x 33 cm) pan. Bake at 350 F (180 C) until firm and no longer shiny, about 12 to 15 minutes. Let cool.
Filling:
1 1/4 c. smooth peanut 310 mL
butter
1/3 c. butter 75 mL
3 c. icing sugar 750 mL
1/3 c. milk 75 mL
In saucepan, heat peanut butter with butter over medium heat, stirring until smooth. Transfer to bowl. Stir in sugar, one cup at a time. Add milk; stir until smooth. Spread over base.
Refrigerate until firm, one hour.
Topping:
8 oz. semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped 250 g
2 tbsp. butter 30 mL
1/3 c. peanuts, finely chopped 75 mL
Melt chocolate with butter in a double boiler or a bowl over saucepan of hot but not boiling water. Spread over the filling. Sprinkle with peanuts.
Refrigerate until firm, about two hours. Cut into bars.
Barbara Sanderson is a home economist from Rosetown, Sask., and a member of Team Resources. Contact: team@producer.com.
