Appreciation is the most important and often the most neglected part of an intimate relationship. It is more automatic to share negative feelings than
positive ones.
Bad thoughts often drive good thoughts out of our heads if we fail to think positively. Bad thoughts lead
us to criticize others.
When we don’t like something that is happening, we may need to express negative feelings. But an appreciation of a person needs to come ahead of any criticism about their shortcomings. Continual criticism contributes to anger or lowers self-esteem
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in the other person.
The key is to discover positive things we really value or appreciate about our partner, even if we have to look hard and closely to find them. When we feel something good, we need to say it. Otherwise the other person never knows we have that feeling. I often tell couples that “an appreciation a day keeps the counsellor away.”
Making Intimate Connections, by Albert Ellis and Ted Crawford, Impact Publishers, focuses on the need for couples and families to express appreciation often. It shows the negative traps in which many couples were caught up. But when these people stopped to think positive thoughts they were able to be supportive and accepting, rather than criticial.
This change in behaviour toward their partner broke the old cycle of escalating criticism, anger and rage.
Sometimes one party needs to talk seriously to the other party about their mistakes. Right after the error is made is not the best time to do that, for it will come out as harsh criticism and create more tension or criticism in return.
If we take time to think, it allows both people some time and distance from the negative event. It helps to write down notes for ourselves as we try to look at
things differently.
Try to discover ways to bring issues up factually, rather than emotionally or critically.
Al-Anon developed the principle of detachment years ago. Detachment can be applied to other issues besides alcohol. Detachment means stepping back, looking at the situation for a bit of an emotional distance, and choosing not to jump in immediately with your reactions.
Later when you discuss the issue, you are more positive and less critical. That handout is on the internet at my website.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
