Q: My husband is an alcoholic. We separated three months ago because of his drinking. He was never cruel or vicious when he was drunk but he was irresponsible. I did not know from one day to the next if we had money in our bank account and I could never count on him to be with our children. He has quit drinking since we separated and now he is asking me to bring the children back home to move in with him. I’m glad that he is not drinking and I want to support him, but I am feeling uneasy. What do you suggest I do?
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A: It took a huge effort on your part to pack up your children and get out of the house.
If you and your husband reconcile before the time is right, he likely will not stay on the wagon for long and you will again find yourself taking the kids out of the home.
I suspect your husband probably stopped drinking for all the wrong reasons. I have no doubt he misses his family and that he quit drinking in hopes that you would come back home. In other words, he quit drinking for your reasons and not for his own. Until he has personal reasons for quitting, he is likely to fall off the wagon and is likely to blame you for it.
Some people are able to quit drinking on their own, but most alcoholics can’t. They need support outside the home.
Quitting drinking means more than just ordering a soft drink when a person goes to the bar. Quitting drinking means changing lifestyle. Those who quit have to find a new set of friends who are not going to harass them for being sober. They have to find new ways for dealing with the stresses and tensions of everyday living.
Your husband will have to make an unwavering commitment to abstention and that cannot be packed into three months of sobriety.
I hope your husband will find either a good alcohol rehab program or a supportive Alcohol Anonymous group to carry him through the process to long-term abstention. You can consider getting back together once he has made the commitment and found the support he needs.
You, too, should consider getting some help. You can attend meetings either at Alanon or a support group in the alcohol treatment centre. Listening to some of the experiences of others who also have been married to alcoholics will give you some insight. The more you understand your husband, the less likely you are to return home before it is secure enough for you and your children.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
