I wonder how many times I have sat with an open gate to my right and a reluctant horse to my left.
The goal was to get the horse through the gate. No matter how hard I tried, how many times I pushed the horse, swore at it, screamed and shouted, it ran everywhere except through the gate. Then it stopped, looked at me and refused to move.
Finally, I sat down. I did not care anymore whether it went through the gate. It could have its own way because I was too tired to continue. That is when the horse slowly moved over to the fence and slumped through the opening. The same horse that refused to submit to
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my aggression proved to be responsive when I asked for
co-operation.
I think the same is often true with my friends and family. The more aggressive I get in my interpersonal relations, the more likely it is that those about whom I care the most will turn their backs on me. I always get a better response when I try to work with them in a co-operative spirit.
For the most part, aggression between people is a misguided attempt to belong. The bully on the playground does not care about the child whom he is harassing. He cares about all of the other children who are watching him taunt his victim. He has some kind of an assumption that he is getting their respect by hurting someone else.
To some extent, he may be right. Our studies show that most bullying can be stopped if those other children, the ones watching but not participating, pulled back and refused to be part of what is going on.
But he is also wrong. The other children do not respect him. They do not want to have much to do with him and they certainly do not trust him. They know that he could turn his aggression toward them and be as cruel as he is to the child being tormented. Bullying does not build lasting friendships.
Abusive intimate relationships are built on the same misguided attempt to belong. The aggressor believes that if he can control his partner enough, she will never see his horrible sense of inadequacy.
The more he tries to control her, the more likely she is to resist him, and the more she resists him, the greater is his temptation to hurt her. He may think that he is in control, but he does not have that sense of belonging with his wife that is so important in an intimate relationship.
Of late we have heard about young men barging into college cafeterias and high school corridors, hurting and sometimes killing other young people.
Almost without fail, these are young people who do not have connections with friends and classmates. They are the loners, the ones who do not belong.
Perhaps it is time for us to pay as much attention to the child sitting alone in the cafeteria as we do to those who are disruptive. Maybe if we work with all of them while they are still young, and helped all children feel more accepted by family and friends, we might save ourselves grief later on.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor, living and working in west-central Saskatchewan who has taught social work for two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
