Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: We adopted our son at age eight. He came from an abusive home and a different ethnic background. When younger, he was co-operative. At 13 he went through a growth spurt and problems began. He was kicked out of school for theft, so I home-schooled him.
At the start he was co-operative and did well in his studies, or so I thought until I found out he cheated by copying the answers. After I caught him, he ran away and was later picked up for shoplifting. He was on probation and was also fined, which he paid himself. He refuses to do his school work and argues with everything I say.
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I’ve tried to reason with him and I have taken away privileges. Nothing works. He just goes behind my back and does whatever he wants. He’s far behind in school. He’s almost 16, but still has to finish grade 7. He says he doesn’t care and will quit school as soon as he turns 16. But a 16 year old with only grade 7 is not going to do anything except get into trouble.
Refuses to change ways
We, his probation officer and the judge have all told him to get an education. We tried counselling, but he just said, “So what, I’m not going to change.” I realize I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. That makes us feel helpless. He is quite polite to everyone but us. He refuses to say why he’s so disrespectful to me.
We had a good relationship when he was younger. He enjoyed snuggling, playing games, being told stories and being together. Now he says he’s too big for such stupid things. I realize that as children grow up they put away childish things, but what causes this hatred to manifest itself?
My husband and I became Christians 20 years ago. My son did so a couple of years ago. We attend church regularly and he goes to our church youth group. We know his hatred and anger stop him from listening to us, but why won’t he listen to anyone else?
A: Coping with a rebellious adolescent is difficult. And those closest often bear the brunt of the rebellion. His anger is likely focused on many issues – the abuse he went through in his family of origin, confusion about his ethnic origin, discrimination he may experience in the community because of it, and a general lack of self-confidence.
Positive group experiences
Home-schooling teenagers is often too difficult for parents when the teen is very rebellious. Academic education may not be the best thing for him at present. Explore ways he can do things with his hands, even if it’s voluntary or part time. Encourage positive peer group experiences, but don’t push him. He’ll only rebel all the more. Teens often go through a period of not knowing or even caring about who they are or what they want in life. Immediate gratification is often more appealing than long range plans.
Consult leaders within the cultural community in which he was raised for the first years of his life. Whether his background is Ukrainian, Francophone, Germanic or First Nations, education and appreciation of the strengths and positive values of his ethnic origin may help to promote a positive self-image. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish have written excellent books on raising children and teens. Check for them at your library.
