Q:I keep telling my grandson that if he tried smiling once in a while, he might make a few more friends but he will not listen to me. He thinks that he will become more popular by wearing fancy clothes and driving an expensive car. I was thinking that maybe if you gave him the same message, we could get him smiling again. What do you think?
A:I cannot think of anything that makes my day more enjoyable than to be greeted by someone with a smile.
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People respond more favourably to smiling faces than fashionable clothes and hot cars. Your smile is your best resource for making friends.
People respond to smiles for two reasons, said Pioir Winkielman, an associate professor of psychology at the University of California.
He and his colleagues studied the effects of smiling on college students and found that smiles are both infectious and influential.
People not only feel better when they are in the presence of a smiling face, but they are more inclined to smile at others.
As with anything, a smile has its qualifiers. The genuine smile is most infectious. Fake smiles do not make the cut.
The genuine or Duchenne smile, named after the first man who described it, involves the whole face, raising the corners of the mouth, pushing up the cheekbones and producing crow’s feet around the eyes.
Fake smiles have the grin but the cheekbones and eyes remain lifeless and despondent.
The Duchenne smile is genuine because it is drawn from a reservoir of emotion. You may be right to tell your grandson that he is more likely to make friends with a smile than with fashionable clothes. But if he is living a life of despair or anxiety, finding the joy within him to produce a genuine smile could be difficult.
If you want him to smile more, try smiling more at him. One of his parents was the joy in your life and extending that joy to him should feel natural.
Try listening to your grandson without judging what he is saying. The extent to which his worries and concerns will lighten up when another person is listening without judging may amaze you.
Listening to him will encourage your grandson to smile more, and as he smiles more, he will discover the wisdom of what you are saying.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
