Q: I have been involved in a relationship with a man for about three years. Recently I heard some disturbing things about him. The problem is that he lies. The content of some of those lies is sexual. On three occasions, he told me that young women have said they are being sexually molested by their fathers. He also said that a friend had told him she quit her job because her boss was sexually harassing her. These stories are false. None of these individuals have told him these stories. Can you tell me why he would invent such stories? What should I do?
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A: All of us have been caught up in a moment of indiscretion and have told a few lies or repeated unsubstantiated gossip. What your friend is doing goes way beyond that. This is serious.
Only recently has our legal system aggressively pursued those who sexually abuse other people. The judicial system has been joined by the courts of public opinion, socially ostracizing sexual predators. Anyone who would sexually abuse or harass another person can expect to be severely punished, as they should be.
The system is working but we do not want to abuse it, and that is what might happen if people like your friend make false accusations.
You might remember Salem’s witch trials in the 17th century, when three young girls accused members of their communities of witchcraft. Fourteen women and five men were executed before the community came to its senses.
In today’s world, sexual abuse carries with it the same social stigma that witchcraft did then. We know that some qualified teachers are not able to work in the classroom because they have been falsely accused of inappropriate sexual behaviour with their students.
It’s hard to guess why your friend would tell stories about others in your community. He has to understand how serious his accusations can become and stop doing it before he creates serious problems.
If he does not, you might reconsider your relationship with him.
Your only hope to continue spending time with your friend is if he is making a sincere effort to change and stop telling stories, and if he is trying to resolve some ofthe harm his stories have already caused.
It comes down to the same model for all relationships. The more people involved with each other are able to take responsibility for what they do, the better their personal relationships are.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
