Q: I am not sure why life has to be difficult for my husband and me. When we disagree about something, we can argue for days.
In between arguments, we do just fine. But once tensions spring up between us, they keep growing until the argument drives us into despair. Along the way, someone usually gives in.
I would like us to resolve the fighting between us long before we do, long before we say things to each other we later regret. Do you have any ideas for us?
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A: Most marriages have disagreements. Two people raised in different homes with different life experiences coming together in marriage are going to have moments when they look at life differently.
Those disagreements often do not disappear. John Gottman, a research psychologist from Seattle, has found that at least 60 percent of marital disagreements last throughout the marriage.
In other words, what you and your husband will be arguing about 10 years from now could be the same issue about which you are arguing today.
In marriages that are working well, the couple usually finds some way of stopping the argument before it reaches the level of intensity that you find so devastating.
In one instance, the man makes a face and sticks out his tongue at his wife as they approach a heated debate. His comic relief keeps the couple in touch with each other.
Most marriages that are working have some kind of repair mechanism that will heal the wounds an inadvertent comment might create.
The trick for you and your husband is to worry less about your arguments and more about your relationship. You mentioned that you get along well in between arguments. That would be the perfect time to strengthen those bonds that have been damaged by an argument.
You can strengthen your marriage by building what Gottman calls your love maps. That is a romantic way of encouraging you to continue to learn about each other. No matter how long the two of you have been together or how well you think that you know each other, you can always discover more.
That is what makes marriage so interesting. It is worth a half-hour three or four times weekly to spend time learning more about your spouse.
As you work on your love maps, you also want to build a culture of appreciation within your marriage. You just have to give your partner seven compliments for every insult you have thrown her way. If you do this long enough, both of you might be convinced that your marriage is something you want to honour and respect.
With your love maps in hand and your culture of appreciation under construction, you can approach your disagreements without arguing so much or so intensely.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
