Q: My son is a wonderful boy but he gets bullied at school. The other kids call him names, they never invite him to birthday parties and at recess he usually hides in the corner of the playground so that no one will notice him. He came home last night with a bloody nose. The other boys in Grade 5 beat him up. We are just sick about all of this. What can we do?
A: You and your husband need to create an environment in which your son is safe.
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Bullies tend to pick on children who stand out by being a little different. They might not wear the designer blue jeans because they come from poor families. Some may have different cultures and languages or they may be picked on because they are extremely intelligent or enjoy different things.
If a school is serious about resolving the bullying problem, it needs to encourage its students to learn to love and appreciate differences among people.
The bottom line is that each of us has our own set of peculiarities. The more we can help young people understand that, the more likely it is that the bullying will stop.
Getting young children to learn to accept each other is difficult, but if you, the school administration and your neighbours make an effort to do it, the miracle can happen.
The other type of bullying is equally difficult to address. The bully-victim is the young person who becomes a bully after being bullied himself by other children. These types of bullies hope to gain social approval from the popular members of the class by picking on those who are obviously less acceptable to others.
Many of these children have other personal problems that need to be addressed. Schools and the bullies’ families should refer them for personal counselling before they start to hurt other children.
Whether your son is dealing with bullies or bully-victims, you and the school are not going to change things quickly enough to help him resolve the problem.
Until he is in a more hospitable environment your son is going to need all of the encouragement and praise you can give him. He is going to have to develop confidence in himself and he is going to have to learn to maintain his self-esteem in the face of difficult odds.
The bonus for him should start to come if he is able to find one or two other children with whom he can spend some time. Strength comesin numbers and the more he can be with other children, the less vulnerable he will be to either type of bully.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
